melbourne,

'yeah ill be back with my .44 caliber, lookin for yo sluts'
'twenty six'
'yeah i could get any drugs you want.. in adelaide'
'fuck all da mothafucken cops'
'sit on my face'
'he's probably got a wife and two kids'
'wait.. does santa claus really have a house?!..'
'milk bar'
'yeah i just shat on that window over there, want to go take a photo??'
'have a nice life then'
'whippywhipwhippppppped'
'no you come up here'

yoda bongs, monster cones, shit vodka, julie bonus, 'free' trams, oreo's for breakfast, dangerfield, brunswick st, 'rock off', creepy taxi driver, cute cats, d.i.y indian, sleeping in/outside naps.

on the hole, melbourne was good.

mmm beach,

there is nothing more beautiful.

i need a boy

that will keep me occupied, so i won't care, so i don't need to care.
we could make plans all the time and spend every waking moment, together.
will contain the interest in me that i have have been longing for such time.
i am sick of this dry feeling in my throat that makes me feel like nobody can love me again, because they haven't.

and i would stay commited forever.

"paranormal activity"

is very close to the scariest movie i have seen yet.

i had to research the special effects used throughout the movie to make myself believe that it is actually not real (if anyone know's me they know how gullable i can be easily led, easily fooled) didn't find much information at all, really, but watched a few interviews with the actors and director. it is amazing some of the effects used in hollywood today, truely impressive to say the least.

my stomach churned throughout the movie and was still knotted for hours afterwards.

i can safely say that i wont be able to sleep properly again for some time!

"Everybody is going to hurt you, you just have to find the ones worth suffering for"

- Bob Marley

freedom

the next sixteen days are going to be so chilled,
i have absolutely nothing to do except casually work and wait for my letter to arrive stating whether im going to do my cert iv next year or not.

besides that i have a few things i'd like to see get done,

-buying christmas presents for everyone i think needs one,
whilst trying to save for melbourne.
-look for a new job, maybe.
-finish painting the canvases for my room.
-draw my tattoo's up.
-figure out what i want for next year.
-clean out my room and wardrobe.

hmmm.

i don't think i will ever understand again,

i love the way you made me feel yesterday, and the day before.

you made me feel beautiful everytime i awoke, something i don't think i've ever felt like before. you snuck up behind me in the mirror and kissed me, looking in the mirror.i could see the desire, the dreams in your eyes. you drove with the rear vision mirror at me and would notice my every expression. you held my hand at the shopping centre and wouldn't let me go.

i just wished you would show more interest, i want to know about you and i want you to know about me.

counting down the days!

There are 69 days until i am eighteeeen, finally!

19 days until i go to melbourne, 23 until i see my bestfriend.

29 days until the new year, wow i can't believe it!

oh and this has made my day, keeping me happy.

"there's this girl i talk to everyday, i might just be crushing on".

weweowoweoewoweow.

chances taken,

i have found i question life as much as possible, everything we do is taking chances even if you know what your outcome is going to be. i am questioning more and more every single day. for instance when i cross a road without pedestrian crossing, the distance between me and that car, measuring everything within the distance/speed/time triangle, i am taking a chance on whether that car is going to slow down, continue it's pace or if this risk was taken to close for a reaction time, thus me being hit.

when people remark on risks i take i dont find it as offensive or maybe not take to it as much as i should, hannah, why are you trying to tan (skin cancer), why are you smoking (various cancers), why do you have so many sugars in your tea (diabetes). it's that don't care enough about myself. there's a certain perspective which i have but maybe is not the right one to have, i mean.. we are all going to die right? suffering (unless sudden death) is something so many people live their lives in fear of. the reality of it all is that suffering is something we are all going to have to face, whether we like it or not. we all have such unique different life path's but then we are all dead, my point being, what's the point of living if we don't take risks, if you dont take chances then you will not learn sufficently.

-

through this isolation i have brought upon myself i have found nothing,
i cannot tell you exactly what i have wanted to achieve through being anti social, perhaps i'm not even being anti social it's just that there is nothing to do anymore, and that all that is focused on in my brain is of past occurances from better times that i pray i am still capable of living.

or maybe through so many fond memories of the past i have just grown higher expectations of everything and everyone around me and nothing ever seems to replenish this longing hunger for something bigger; a bigger picture.

everything's a faise and when nothing brings you satisfaction anymore you feel as though life is no longer worth living, what your going through to get through it, with or without necessary pleasures to get you to the end.

gob smacked.

lurkers, please do what you do best.

if you appreciate good art, have a look at this girl's work, it is nothing short of amazing, inspiring.

http://www.behance.net/gallery/paintings-2/261620

jeorga louise harris,

who would have thought that innocent little blonde indie girl outside charlestown square, hanging out with my ex boyfriend, would years later become my very bestfriend.

that would years later become such a big part of my life, that life without her is
my life incomplete. when she hurts, i hurt, when she smiles, i smile, when she laughs, im laughing.

as cute as a button, you jeorga louise harris, are so beautiful. our memories remain forever and forever are going to be reproduced.
i love you the world and whatever happens i am never, ever going to let you go. best friends to the grave.

forgiveness, the enviable trait.

fuck, i just want to be out of here.

this is in no way fair, it never will be.

recent discoveries,

things i've found recently that rule,



and this band, the bloody beetroots, fuck i just love everything,
their music/style/video's.

overwhelmed.

so, by the end of next week i must decide the followings of my academic future for 2010/11, which also entails the decision of campus and where i am going to be living.

something that has been wondering through my head for a while and it's finally time to take the plunge.

decisions, decisions.

i suppose it would be a wise idea to go the old "pro's and con's" resolution.

Pro's of living in sydney
-Better facilities for graphic design students.
-Alot more job opportunities, during but mostly when i finish advanced diploma.
-I just love sydney in general, when you arn't kicking me out/banning me from your clubs.
-Hopefully the gaining of financial independence by not living with my family.
-Not living in such a fucked up situation at home, being tossed around with divorce/finance/solicitation issues.
-Not having to be defined to one matchbox room to show my individuality/room design.
-Not having to wear socks all the time when im in the house to hide my tattoo's.

Con's of living in sydney and out of home
-I won't have someone to rely on cleaning up after me so much, haha.
-Chances are that i'll always be asking my parents for money anyway.
-Im scared that because my mum is taking so much from my dad including custody of my little brother and taking the dog, that he will be lonely without me.

I'm just way too worried, about next year. So many changes are happening, my bestfriends are moving, my parents are splitting and selling the house, i'll be moving out, i'll be turning eighteen.

It's just all too daunting.

fuck.

just like this laptop i type on i am getting so tired and overheated, turning myself off whenever i please.

~

i dont know where you are getting all this information from but i sure do know it's a cheat. your putting on to be so intellegent, you did standard english and yet you are always asking me the definition of such simple words and i read what you write and it puts me in the clouds.

copy and paste, what a decieving tool.

this has to be more than nothing,

you've got me right under your finger.

i am fascinated in you but not as you are towards me,
laying there looking up at your old ceiling, your bookshelf and bands that are too obseliete for me to know about.

you've gotten the little hints that i need more than what you want to give,
my affectionate ways fase you, i'm attracted to our differences,
between what's physical and what's emotion seperates us.

attraction without attention will tear whatever this is, far apart.

two faced bastard.

you make me sick to my stomach.

i don't know why you pretend to care about me so much,
everything you do is upon act of desperation, trying to make me love you again.

talking about me behind closed doors isn't doing you any good hunny,
especially talking to my ex's and past relations, because they actually do care about me and actually give a fuck what your babbeling on about me?

i watched and experience you standing on your high horse to my other ex boyfriend,
acting as though you knew everything about me and what i do and don't like, which i might as well mention i was getting with him at that point, he knows me better than you ever have and ever will.

keep your tounge tied for now before shit gets serious,
thanks alot.

fearing the future,

my two favorite girls in the entire world are going outerstate/country for the rest of the year and periodically through next year. i think i am more nervous than you, how am i going to survive without you two!

i guess i'll just have to do something similar,
i'm looking at places in sydney to shift my life over a few hours south, i just hope it happens soon.

if loving me is wrong,

then god damn do it right.

ignorance,

i'm finding it hard to tell you how i feel about you lately,
i don't know how to talk to you anymore because i feel so intimidated by you.

so hestitant and delicate with what i say to you because everything is processed so fast and usually im disagreed with, i'm treading on egg shells.

how will you succeed in life if you cannot listen, you don't like everybody else's different point of views and think because you feel so much as though your the cream of the crop that your opinion matters most.

your always talking about yourself and people i don't know, but you seem to think i should.

this aggrivates me profusely, and though i have left your name out of this, i really needed to vent it out somewhere.

as afraid of living as i am of dying,

i dont know how to describe how i feel.

my entire life keeps flashing though my head as if my brains trying to remind itself something, like i am dying slowely, suffering something worse than that apparent white flash as your heading towards heaven.

i am so scared of leaving this house, but then again living here in this fucked up situation and enviroment is turning everyone insane, especially me.

so sick of imagining and wanting more than what i have had for so long.
i live in a fucking wonderland, wondering where im going, what im doing and never doing what i wonder. imagining a life that in no way resembles mine but then waking up to the same fucking thing. every fucking day, every fucking year.

28/09/08

when i made that big mistake and lost you.

5:42am

what keeps waking me up at such inconvenient times in the night.

i am so embarrased by friday nights happenings,
nobody was even really drinking but yet i still persited to get discustingly drunk.

i don't even want to type some of the embarrasing things i did, let's just say the night resulted in me recieving the name "vomitron"

it had been a long time since i had been proper drunk and i don't know why i chose such a lonely night with just a few people to show that discusting side of me, that doesn't show who i really am remotely. i guess i just took the chance because i have been dissapointed so much lately i just wanted to drink so i wouldn't feel depressed.

clicking in;

finally, some reassurance my life is falling together again.

tommorow it will be a whole week i have gone without one single drag of a ciggarette, i've had huge cravings and everytime i see a packet in a strangers hands, see a handful of buds in a gutter, have my morning tea or coffee that i was so used to accompaning with a b&h red, i can control myself. i don't think i've ever been so proud of myself, physically. i did this mostly for my dad, on monday night while driving me to the train station to head to sydney he told me he spotted me smoking with glenn last week and even though he didnt make such a big deal about it i know deep down it hurt him, and i love him more than any family member, daddy's girl. he explained how he heard a song about cancer on the radio that day and it reminded him of when his mother died, him being at the rare age of nine didn't really understand what was happening and she was flown from western australia over to melbourne to get treatment for breast cancer. he told me how upset he was about never being able to have that last goodbye because the doctors never told the family she was on life-support, i felt so much sorrow and guilt that i had kept from him that i had been smoking regularly since april 08, but in restrospect, it gave me alot more will power to finally stop before this tar in my lungs did too much damage.

i havent dug into my bank account or got any cashout of my savings account in as long as i can remember, this will help when i look for my car.

i've sold the red c-rolla today also $2,800.
and i've sold the playstation 2, $80. which is shortly going to be replaced with an xbox 360.

i cleaned out my desk and wardrobe today, nice and hygenic now.

also got to see jack on monday which was lovely even though it wasn't long enough, always makes up from being in another state the rest of the time.

i don't think i've wrote about it yet, but also on monday i experienced my first tattoo, probably not the best choice for my first one considering the intense pain of feet tattoo's, but i love it and i cant wait to get the other done so i can be symetrical again, haha.

im so happy at the moment, i love my friends, i love my job, i love my family.

im cleaning out my life and it feels so good.

cats whiskers~

when i say your ugly it means i think you look cute,
when i say stop being so mean it means i just want to sook so you'll comfort me,
when i say lets spoon it means turn around so i can just hold you,

when i say i hate you, i mean i love you.

from little things, big things grow.

i have spent the last two days laying around watching copious amounts of dexter, in my last two paychecks i have bought all three seasons and that's alot of footage.

so much episodes that it's making me want to kill someone, not really, haha.

although, jealousy's curse has arrisen from the depths, i'm sick of people showing so much attention to me and then going onto others, knowing all too well how it is going to affect me. especially when they move onto my friends, well friends not so much annoys me, more the aquantinces, no.. people i know fairly well but im not friends with, people that live in my vicinity. just doing your rounds in that area while you still can, huh.

gosh is there something deeply wrong with me for always feeling like this?

too much hope, time wasted.

somewhere that never failed to make me happy simply from it's own being has slowely but surely lost it's vital vibe that i needed to have hope, my place to escape.

i'm still finding it hard to believe that last night i walked through the city balling my eyes out and not one person turned a head, and when i layed there in the dark smoking my last cigarettes, a twenty one year old stranger approached me asking why i was upset then started harrasing me, judging me and discriminating me for being seventeen, trying to tell me who the fuck i am, a complete stranger, what a fucked up place.

i get too much hope, too much nerve and faith in people and things that used to always make me happy, constantly getting dissapointed, and for what?

why the panic~

lately everything has been so wierd, i've been saying/posting really bizarre things i wouldnt usually do, reading over them a few hours later or people repeating and explaining what i have just said and it making no sense, like i have completely lost my inner monologue.

i've been having alot more panic attacks than usual also, along with the feeling of being extremely awquard in situations, feeling people are staring at me and judging me or that when i go past people, those that catch my eye i look at for too long.

i thought i should probably document how i feel even though i don't feel it needs to be as public as going onto the internet, fuck it.

content,

so today i was reminded that i foolishly never filled out slash had forgotten about my tax return sheets and that i still have time to do them before the end of october, im really exited because at the moment i have an entire $2.46 in my savings and $150.00 in debit account. which will probably last me a whole next two days until pay day, maybe.

my wishlish is here (keeping in mind i have absolutely no idea how much money i am recieving)

- my new car (very necessary)
- either a husky puppy (HOLY SHIT OH MY GOD)
~ a girl kitten
~ a white owl like hedwig (all un-nessesary)
- start saving a bond for when i move out (very nessesary)
- new lee jeans because my resonably new ones have a stain from, you guessed it, eyelash glue? and the other have a rip in them from literally moshing too hard while drunk at amity, FUCK, haha (necessary)
- new extentions (yes, definatly necessary)
- new doona for my bed i have found and ripped out of a magazine (yes, necessary kavy?)

i think that's all for now, goodnight blogspot :)

ergh,

i am truely sick of relying on others,
especially those unreliable, which seems to be a given.

i just want to stop wasting half my life waiting for transport,
wasting so much time waiting for others and certain things to happen,
there's that anxiety talking.

exausted~

im trying to mesure out yesterday's pro's and cons.
i hate breaking promises i make to myself.

i wish i was older and more wise, so i wouldn't do this to myself.
bipolar attacks recently have only been happening when im by myself or i will just keep how i am feeling and nicely cover up how i truely feel.

i know you don't read blogs so im going to say how i feel here because i have nowhere else to express this feeling, this time it's not going into my art.

in a short time we have become what i believe is best friends. until what happened last night, i dont want what happened to happen anymore, i do in short term but i just am not ready for what you seem to want. you seemed to express that you understood me so so much but then after i was upset and you had cheered me up, you just commited what had just made me feel uncomfortable, again. how confusing.

im not only angry at myself anymore, im also a little angry at you.

12.12pm

today is looking good so far.
glenn should be heading into newcastle soon, im exited to see him and my baby jeorga that came home from dubbo recently, tonight should be alot of fun.

in other news, isn't it lovely finding about my bestfriend who i feel is like a brother to me along with my other fairly close friend is talking about me behind closed doors? and that another close friend keeps secrets from me too, lying right to my face.

also, mmm i am stuck on you, big blues.

intertwined~

i love coming into the studio in the morning and recieving that daily checkup from my design teacher, that look as if "i know your not seven, but what mischeif are you up too now" and then smiles at me and says politely "haaaannah raeeee, how are you miss?" and unlike every other human in this brain-dead town he actually takes the time to listen to my response.

i love that everyday tends to vary and you get that freedom, flexibility and independance that you never got in school, you arn't the same old generic school kid, only there because it's illegal not to be. i turn up at the studio at different times everyday and they don't necessarily care, as long as your work gets done, which is good for me because being late is a forever habit of mine.

im also happy today because i've realized in the last two weeks i'm fairly sure i've actually made more money than i have spent, un-usual for me. hopefully this will end up in my car funding.

i've finally got a cure for my eating habits, i've found a medication that actually lives up to its 'nasty' side-effects. it is an anti-depresant perscibed to adults and although it hurts my neck profusely, making me want to yawn every three minutes and when i wake up in the mornings my insides feel like they have stretched and turned inside out, it does it's job, loss of appetite.

dear brain,

please give me my serotonin back,
this really isn't fair.

yours truely,
body.

the comedown

sadly enough, i think 80% of the girls i assosiate/am friends with, i find extremely intimidating in their own ways.

i need confidence, i need interest.

reverse psychology.

i've never really understood it, well atleast not on the recieving end.
it always seems the one thing that fools me, makes me look like the idiot.

on a similar subject.
i seriously cannot stand when people dislike/hate me. it tears me up, i should probably learn how to deal with it, like everyone else seems too, im so weak.

mental establishment.

today i realized:

depressive state = past mindset
flat and indecisive state = present mindset
positive state = future mindset

just something to consider and remember.

so long~

You went away
Cause you said that you can't stand me
So I went away
I was sure that you can't stand me
Well I don't think we have to be like this forever
Is there more to life than love and being together?
You went away
Cause you said you couldn't love me
I went away
Cause all I do is love you
Well I don't think we have to be like this forever

feeling of belonging

your scent is blessing me with one hand and killing me with the other.

the weekends happenings keep flickering through my head like a prelume to a tv series i have already seen.



i don't regret what happened but it shouldn't have,
drunk and disorderly vision, paying attention to pointless detail.
remembering what was said but not why it was said.

today instead of laying there getting high off things that ruin my brain,
i layed there in my underpants, and your jumper, the smell creating more.

if you hate my feelings so much, i need you to stop making more for me to grip onto.

comfort.

i had nothing but a half bottle of vodka, a few half smoked ciggarettes scraped from the depths of my handbag and a cold bath to drown myself in.

city sunrise.

last night i decided was really fun, it relieved the feeling i thought was gone, roaming concrete jungles, jam packed full of booze brimmed strangers.

for the first time i felt as though my jealousy's curse, wasn't present.
also relieving.

i stayed awake all night and watched the sunrise over sydney harbour, by myself.
while my friends layed in bed, passed out hard, eventually i got there too.

i also feel i've mastered the art of perfectly avoiding a hangover!

its official

i am inlove with this home,
came across it while browsing places to rent.

http://www.domain.com.au/Public/PropertyDetails.aspx?adid=4466594

dreamboat~

MMMMMMMM MARRRRRY MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

if there's one thing i hate,

it's being led around aimlessly.

something's missing,

missing is the nights you don't remember,
but you know must have been good.

missing is times when boyfriends wern't an option,
and we would laugh about how many people we had kissed.

missing is the feeling of the morning dew on the grass,
running along the soles of your sore, dirty feet.

missing is watching the sun rise through the suburbs,
watching buisness people on their way to battle through the nine-to-five.

ghostpatrol and miso!

today in graphic design tracie introduced the class,
the art of ghostpatrol and miso


i really enjoyed watching the documentary, it was extremely interesting.
an insite into who's hiding away creating these beautiful pieces in the backstreets of melbourne.

have a look if your interested:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q2uycLPyt5I

so..

sorry,

to the only people that i know read my blog
im sorry im a paranoid/jealous headcase,
this week has been extremely wierd and it seems i've shed some old skin.

i thought about it, whether i should assign blame to whatever has happened, if its other people's actions that have turned me all wierd. but i don't know, i think it's probably just me.

i'm sorry for my ever-lasting creepy ways,
creepy lurking, queries on anything and everything.

really do wish i wasn't such a fruit and didn't have to feel this way.
over protective it seems, not being able to let anyone out of hands grip.

sure, it's sad we know nothing will work;
eitherway, my heart is eternally yours.

fuck everything.

angsty, anxious, aggravated, annoyed.
betrayed, bummed.
cold, confused, complacent, crushed, curious, cynical.
depressed, determind, dissapointed, dis-illusioned, discontent, distraught.
enraged, exausted.
frustrated, forggoten.
gloomy, guilty.
hopeless.
irritated, infuriated, inquizitive.
jealous.
kicked.
lethargic, lonely.
moody, melancholy, miserable.
neglected.
overstimulated.
pensive, peeved.
quiet.
rushed, restless.
sad, scared, shocked.
tired, tested.
uncomfortable, understimulated.
vexed.
worried.
xtremely-paranoid.
yawn-full.
zip-locked.

i hate this town, i hate this city.

art vs porn

beautiful.

ruined.

there is no words that could describe how bad my weekend was.

i don't think i have ever felt so used in my life by a male.
i haven't been able to take you out of my mind for more than half an hour.
your complete and utter ignorance of a plea. to take a little time to talk to me.

and fuck, i don't even know why i've let my mind slip into feeling this is such a big fucking deal.

what the hell is wrong with me, why do i let people do this to me.
all i am to half you people is just some bitch that puts out.

no,
i am not okay.

fuck it, i quit.

well, not just yet.
but asap i am definatly quiting horrible, joke of a job.

things i will not miss:
-obese complaining/rude customers.
-disgusting bin juice.
-being bossed around by crew managers.
-being treated like a retard that doesn't know what im doing when i clearly do.
-rude managers.
-taking out my piercings and spacers.
-cleaning pickles off the windows.
-scrubbing then squidgy then dry mopping the entire store.
-work meetings.
-children, oh the wining bratty, smelly children.
-thursday nights of want to be lads/dickies/14y.o supre girls fighting, making huge messes, being extremely rude.
-the rotten, sickening familiar smell of the toilets.
-the smell when the boys clean the grills.
-wearing leather shoes and getting blisters.
-spot sweeper.
-having to listen to channel v on low and only sound effects or songs high.
-being overly stressed in peak hours and getting sore bones.
-being pychologically unfit because i feel so insecure and small.
-mcdonalds food in general, just everything about it, i might actually crave food for once in months.
-the stubborn icecream machine.
-the horrid greasy salty fry station and its surroundings.

things i might miss:
-payday
-50% off crew meals.
-getting to know the very few nice staff.
-brooke the friendly, nice, cute little blonde manager.
-stealing no1 cards at meetings.
-free fizzy drinks.

thats about all i can think of.

stay awake a little longer

as i sit there your edging closer to my body,
you can tell im squirming over your breath-taking scent,
waiting impatiently for me to pounce on you.

lust was never be a friend to me,
lust will never be a friend to me,

take my hand and walk me to bed,
im taken by your every touch,
i suppose thats just ironic your the only one that can make my heart race like you do,
i rested on the edge of your collarbone while you slowly fell into a dream,

infatuation was never be a friend to me,
infatuation will never be a friend to me,

awoke before you did and watched you sleep in peace,
felt your skin warm and softer than these sheets,

i'll always want what i know whats never going to turn out good for me,
i suppose what will be, will have to be.

happiness

Sever all ties. Follow procedure. Pledge abstinence.
Fuck at your leisure. Breathe in then out, but not out then in.
Cause over function. Restart again.

I need to see my dreams as I close my eyes.
Remembering nothing and begging for light.

All the trees, all the birds, and this thing called life.
I’d stake it all for forty acres and a trophy wife.
Dust gathers on the books that contain our past,
and we’re but peons in a circuit built by time to last.
Repeat, repeat, as we’ve done before. Our history all lost in war.
When the last of our cities are but powder and dust,
the damned who remain live with God in the glory of us.

start today~

today i started a new medication to help me stay awake,
its an anti depressant but is mixed with an adrenaline chemical.

hopefully it will shed some light on the path i plan to take, the rest of the year and two thousand and ten.

things i plan on getting done:
-firstly, get this giant burden, massive workload of interior design work completed.
-make a new resume, hand them out, hope for the best.
-stop digging into my youthsaver account thats meant to be for my car.
-book in my feet and wrists for ink.
-look into where i can get higher qualifications in graphic design in sydney.
-buy a new ipod, haven't had one in over a year when it got stolen!
-look into where i can/who i can stay with next year when i move to sydney.
-10 hours left on my provisional plates.

feeling hopeful!

lonesome.

hmm, my holidays have been so miserable, depressing even.

now i think of it, i think i have done about two fun things. over four weeks.
going places just doesn't seem to have a kick in it anymore.
life.. doesn't seem to have a kick in it anymore.

i hardly go out anymore and it's rare i get to make good memories.
i don't usually say this in all seriousness but i actually feel like if i had the chance i would want to go back in time.

to the times where i was known for sneaking out of your house at random times in the night while everyone layed asleep or before you woke up. because i was some crazy insomniac.

nowadays, that's all i do.

sleep away my life, waiting for something that might not ever come.
longing for something good to happen in my life

/wine

hello.

sorry i haven't kept in touch with you ever listening blog of mine, i supposed i've just been a little too consumed in other things. can't exactly say to busy actually having a life but more interested in things other than what the internet has to offer.

i haven't been going out as much any more really, i think the ever occurence that i get stuck in the wrong places at the wrong times has scared me off a little too much, and that it's a mother fucking cold winter. it's rarely worth going out then finding at some point you are so cold, you dont want to move, your head and bones are so tense they feel heavy. i don't have much desire for that. looking forward to springtime.

i'm further questioning whether my last minute self commitment is worth it,
keeping my heart and body strictly under lock and key.
i'll be classified adult soon, your only young once.

too much is going through my head at the moment.

i'm sick of feeling so fucking lazy, i need inspiration. i think i'm having that late teen crisis where your meant to be near finishing your hsc, which is what i really should be doing but school got the best of me last year, i'm meant to be having that "what the hell am i going to do now", "what, who, and where am i going to be" a little belated on my part. but i think for me it's even worse, i've slacked off over half the year, i haven't finished anything academically; and now, it's finally caught up to me, and im so fucking down.

i'll say this and it's all i can say in honesty,
i'll write this before my eyes, complain to myself and whomever may be passing their sorry eyes over my self inflicted panic attack, plea. i know what i've done is wrong, but i know i won't do anything about it. i'm so friggen lazy. i could be so much more if i was that little bit more inspired, if my fatigue didn't soak into what could have been the best of me.

how can anyone help me if i can't even help myself.

i'm sick of being a phycological mess caught up in a life off regret, wasted time.

i spend three quarters of my life asleep, i don't want to be a teenager anymore, it makes me feel useless, it makes me lazy, i have next to no immune system left and without a spoonfull of pharmacuticals i don't think i could take myself out of this house.

im not dead, but who could call this a life?

if there is a god,

why hasn't he blessed me with a heart of stone.
i just want to learn to love.

not for one second can i imagine a retraction,
how much longer can we take beauty for granted?
we've a lack of reason, an absence of passion,
we're without clarity, in a world of empty vision and

i doubt there's a better place for anyone until we learn love~

delicate faces~

im not really going to bother blogging about my entire weekend because it wasn't all interesting.

last night was fairly good i guess, wait, nah.
i don't exactly know.

it all went to fast, sped before my eyes before i had the time to realise if i was enjoying myself and the company of those around me. good, i suppose.

close to the end of the night, i went to the bathroom and found this poor guy by himself gagging, laying in the bath, i started talking to him and asking questions, trying to get him to throw up and giving him water.

i asked him why he had drank so heavily and he breifly explained to me that his parents were divorcing after a 20 year marriage, apparently his mum had left. i explained i knew what he was going through, my parents seperated a 16 year marriage too, even if it wasn't recently.

i felt so much better helping this guy from passing out in his own body fluids, rather than aimlessly, drunkely wondering around.

on another note,

i am not a: lost cause, fucked for life, no hoper.
your blog is a complete joke, your lyrics are just annoying, the way you match things together to make them rhyme but then the verses make no common sense.
your twenty years old but you make really embarrasing spelling errors, right about a girl you dated almost six months ago, and think your some musical genious that deserves to live their life in a recording studio.

if i want to ~fuk my self~, then that is my choice,
if you love me, fucking let me go.

losing sanity;

this rapid moving illness is getting the best of me,
i am struggling to even right this post before your eyes without making embarrasing errors.

i've been desiring to right this post all day but i've just been so sick.

during the day, waking up with nobody home, laying there an hour because i couldnt move, with the television on sbs, a low boring volume. and i already know dad has been here. not mum, i havent seen her since she left this morning while i was asleep. i only know it was then because she never cares if i am asleep, even when i am sick, banging plates, doors and yelling to dad or my brother. it's now 9:45, she hasn't bothered contacting us, too busy living a double life coming off her facebook, out partying, dating people most likely younger and more succesful than her, a seperate gold-digger like lifestyle.

i had an extrememly hot bath lying there until the bubble-bath turned to hot suds resembeling a milk bath,

today was strange, i believed everything i read, heard and saw, was a sign to me. for examples:

i was playing with the water in the bath with my finger and it seemed like everytime id flick the ~milk~ it would turn into arrows, pointing to my boobs, and lately.. i've been questioning if it is worth loosing weight, becoming thin as i have desired, loosing my breasts, i felt like this told me i am keeping them.

and again,

after my bath i was laying there, naked, but i felt so warm, not sweating, like suana warm, like someone was ontop of me, cuddling me tightly, that i feel is a sign, i do need someone.

and,

after munching down on a few asperin, i went looking for some food because i basically hadnt eaten all day, thinking this would most likely help the fact i virtually felt like passing out all day, but there was nothing.

i layed out rapped in my giant white doona on the lino, tearing up, staring upwards, feeling faint, then seeing a white light, it was downlight on the roof of my kitchen, i couldn't sleep, but i was so tired, i stared at that downlight because it felt it was the only thing keeping me amused while i cannot move. i played with my sight for a good 40 minutes, noticing if you stare at it for long enough, your eyes start playing up, i was blinking with one eye, the light faded in and out, a light to dark pink. i started to pass out, and halucinating that that strong white light was my coming death. i looked down across the floor and saw a pumpkin, it had a face and started talking too me, at this time, i KNEW this was serious.

also, another wierd part of today, on four occasions, i would look at clocks, and everytime i looked, it was exactly on the time, 12.00pm, 1:00pm, 4:00pm and 9:00pm.


and beau, if your reading, your call, made my day.

this is~

QUITE POSSIBLY THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER WATCHED, EVER.

anyone but me,

briefly going over my posts, after feeling a certain insecurity everytime i post the link to my blog on myspace, thinking over who is online and may or may not be reading.

i'm ready for a change, so sick of all this hatrid i harbour.

time to build some new walls to what defines myself;
and tear down some old ones.

today is the start of-
*new healthier diet, due to the fact i have put on alot of weight due to taking advantage of getting so many discounts and stolen vouchers from work.

*more focused look on work and assesments rather than all play.

*putting more money into my debit account towards my car, since i want something rather ~expensive~

*looking for a new job, as probably a secretary.

today is the finish of-
*frittering away my saved money for my car on alchohol, binge eating and most of all BUYING OTHER PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT and OTHER people's petrol money.

*sex with people that i am not in a close~semi~relationship with.

*traveling far places by myself, and also trying to get into clubs.

anyway i need to get ready for work now, will probably post more later, lurkers.
x

out of tact.

why does it feel as though people have to make me feel so low of myself,
do i need to tuck myself away to feel like a regular girl?
if anyone makes me feel like this again, well, that's exactly what i'll do.

just to cope~

my god, what a fucking boring week.

nothing's really changed now i read over my last post..

had a preeetty eventful friday night, taking a really long train trip to sydney to stay with dan dwyer, i was really exited but then found out that he was going out with his adelaide friends, only saw him for about an hour, and took a three hour train.

but things looked up,
i got really drunk in the city waiting for my train to ingleburn,
got on, the train was empty as, so i lit up a smoke and met this nice black lad, hahahaha.

partied into the early hours with corey castles and some other familiar faces, threw up all over this strangers house, even when i was passed out, hmmm. then on the train back in the morning, threw up everywhere too, just alcohol and stomach acids, fun.

i missed out on josh magonies nineteenth birthday which i have not stopped hearing about for the last two days straight, apparently it was really good, really dissapointed in myself.

i really want to move out and i really want my license.
nothing is looking up, nothing.

misery~

i still feel so miserable,

i haven't brung myself out of my bed to do anything important for days, because i am not an important person.

i want to finish up what defines my life at the moment, my joke of a job, my extremely overpriced now feeling pointless tafe course and stop ignoring all the meaningless sex.

although i've said this,
i went through these things i had from when i was going to the phcyiatrist.
this made me think;

shed your fault finding tendencies,
know that you are the creator of your life and that loving presence within you. you abilty to be self reliant will overtake your habit of assigning blame.

little white lies behind hazel eyes~

i don't know how i can still feel so protective.

i mean i was so happy, i felt like myself, a little exited aswell, then someone had to ruin it, bring me to the point blank where i couldn't seem to smile towards a friendly stranger, even pull something less than a dreary blank face.

i don't think i'll ever be able to safely say i can ignore this, words can't explain how much you will always mean to me; have a soft spot in my hopeless heart.

joined at the heart;

this week i have currently been questioning my lust for love? does that make sense?

i've been thinking about everyone else and their relationships, which has resulted in me thinking about what i'm doing in the depths of self-pity. should i try and find someone again? or probably a better explanation, let people actually like me.

since, september, which inches closer and closer to a year ago, i have been afraid of only myself, and what i found i am capable of doing; of destroying.

but now i have breifly thought it over this week,
i can safely say that i can't see myself doing that anymore (cheating).
i don't feel any desire to be with more than one person.

winters skin,

winter sucked me up and spat me out.

the night started with jeorga coming to get me from work, then us walking back to my house. i got in a little trouble for giving her free food, a fuckload of "sip-aah's", free chips and sauce and who else knows and got caught by one of the many low-life, jealous, depressed crew managers. i think i've realised why you girls are so slack to the regular employee's, i mean, if i, at eighteen, nineteen or early twenties worked at mcdonalds full time, usually overtime; i would be sevearly depressed inside, i would probably want to pick on me and other people younger and ill-experience in your ~area of expertice~ hahah, what a fucking joke.

we got back to mine at about seven-thirty,
started getting ready on our treck to sydney;



when we were finally ready,
we drove to cardiff to catch a train to gosford, where we thought we could catch a train to sydney from, as usual. when we hopped off we found
~jonnycatastrophe~ by himself hopping out of a carridge, then we found a cityrail worker and he rudely explained there were no trains until 3am (it was midnight at the time)

it was beyond freezing outside and we decided we might go upstairs so we could be inside to protect us from a little bit of the harsh cold, posted bulletins, contacted a few hundred people to see if we could get driven to sydney, eventually at 2am we got picked up by basically a complete stranger, known only by aquantince, driven to hornsby where we waited half an hour in a kebab shop full of lads waiting for our bus. we started gettin boozey on the bus to town hall, then when we got there jonny left and me and jeorga headed up to oxford street (hot damn) to find people leaving that we could possibly stay with, at this time it was 4am. we saw scott silence and sarah brooke briefly then started talking to these random blacktown boys that came off as really friendly and entertaining, they invited us back to their house but i was a little sketchy.

jeorga left our blankets in hyde park bushes, then they got stolen. so we headed back to her house, on the 6:15am train, with only the rising sun to keep us that little bit warm, what a pointless trip.

a few days of june with rune~

i decided i might go to somewhere new, the blue mountains.
where rune lives, a person i'd only met twice once when he was at my house with brenna, her boyfriend and jeorga and once when i was trashed at a sydney club.

but unlike i would have been usually, i decided i'd go ahead and stay with him anyway, make better friends and i'm really glad i did. those few days where really cute, rune is a gorgeous boy.

leuma is really beautiful and interesting. i wish i took some photo's, i am really regretting it, next time though. i forgot my camera when we went into the city and then when i got the chance the batteries ran flat, i think in it's own little way maybe it didnt want photo's taken of it?

rune's house and location is pretty interesting, it just looks like the middle of nowhere, but in a suburbia. the houses and people looked so different, like a gypsy town. rune's dad is a magician for kids, at first i didnt believe it, pretty amazing.
and when we ventured into the city to get some lunch every couple of stores where like,magicians, palm readers, shaymans ect. the whole atmostphere was just really calm and relaxing.

i spent a fuckload of money on crap there, alot on food and lollies from this little lolly-shop tucked in an arcade of shops rune showed me. some lights for my room, cented candles, new inscense ect. i feel really fucking shit for spending that much money (not going to enclose how much), because i really want to buy my car soon.

death of an interior decorator,

i really hate tafe,
and i'm begining to hate interior design.

i guess i don't enjoy it maybe because i can't so much as relate and listen to people that are maybe old enough to be my mother, or even grandmother.

like today,
i went to use the lightable to trace some designs and needed to move my chair in and tripped on this old bag's suitcase, its fucking beyond me why you would bother bringing an entire suitcase to tafe which might i add you are only attending one day a week for a maximum of seven hours, she gave me the dirtiest look for tripping over her stuff, don't need your nite and toothbrush for that you senile old prude.

and the teachers are fools,
a rediculus workload pilled on at a single time, due on usually the one date.

interior design is so much more boring than i thought, i was exited for my future.

time is the only thing on our hands

tommorow im going to the blue mountains to see a friend and hopefully taking some good photo's to start a tumblr account, exited to share my creativity with photography ever since leaving year eleven photography last year.

wednesday hopefully going to the cambridge, since last week was fairly fun, playing/d&m's with gibbo who has been overseas for two months i believe.

thursday i am working (N) but its also PAY DAY YEOWWWW

and the weekend is yet to be planned, but i would like to be in sydney, possibly.

what can i say,

i miss;

-long traintrips to see you.
-playing at ~peteee~'s really old looking house, drinking multiple passionfruit oodles, you forcing me to do my really funny voices, playing in the spare room and teaching you things.
-many atempts at drawing your eyes, with the beautiful gold in the middle.
-you stopping me making a fool of myself, alllll the timeeee.
-pulling faces at you while you serve customers.
-you stealing all my cigarettes.
-hickies on graduation day.
-your crazy deep kisses.

remember when i was so sweet and unexplainable,
nothing like this person, unlovable.
..i just want back in your head.

eye candy.

weeee, your so dreamy.

that's all you need to know dear blog of mine (:

drifting over hawkesbury.

listening and reading about what my bestfriends have to say to their boyfriends or lovers, sometimes just makes me jealous, like, i guess that explains why i am getting so jealous and depressed, because i don't have someone i can love and love me back. i mean on alot of occasions, and even now, i could have that, but in the long run, is it what i want or not?

i just want more fun, fresh memories for the brain bank.
all the others are getting stail and i just want to re-emburse it with something to assure i am still happy.

not for months can i think of a time truely worth a spot in my memory, worth explaining, worth reminising.

nights like the infamous "bobby chang" night, and other various nights at and after the cambridge. and legless nights at hot damn, sydney. i haven't been proper drunk since, i think, the train to hot damn i.e last time house vs. hurricane went on tour with the amity affliction (february 28?)

also something i have realised to stay away from, under my age boys.
because i feel much for oblidged/interested/keen on guys older than me, 18-23.

today i started to feel the sickness going around hit me,
not keen at all. i have too much work and too little of an immune system to deal with it.

streets alive.

is it possible i have to much feeling and it clashes with not having enough heart, enough commitment to pursue? i scare myself more than anything.

another weekend in syndey,
i don't know what it is that makes me so happy when im there.
i'm really excited about moving there next year, maybe with my bestfriend.

anyway, my weekend started off basically around 330 when i set off driving to wyong after i missed getting a lift with the boys because i was too fussy about what i was wearing (although i ended up looking/feeling like shit eitherway)

chased the train, nose to nose all the way to sydney trying to get it but no, ended up taking four hours to get to manning bar, then being sober and going in by myself.

saw my favorite band but didn't really enjoy it as much as i thought i could, being in stupid clothing e.g heels (last time i do that), i guess i just fogot what it was like going to an massive AA show, it's been a while.

negatives:
-felt discusting/not pretty/ratty pretty much the entire time.
-HVH ARE NOT TOURING FOR A FEW MONTH BECAUSE THEY ARE RECORDING THEIR NEW FULL LENGTH.
-too much travel and time wasted.
-spent pretty much all my money made last week.
-didnt exactly enjoy the show.

positives:
-saw my favorite band.
-sydney makes me happy.
-lots of hours up for my p's.
-found out dre doesn't dislike me, it was my paranoia.
-met new people.



observation: need to need less, need to want less, need to feel less.

given up.

on you, sorry.

a lost hope.

confusion.

why are you doing this,
you are just so confusing and miss-leading.

it's like your playing some hard to get game,
i hate how you play this,
this whispy kind of friendship/relationship.

i never get to see you and this leads to me believing anything is happening behind closed doors, because i am so far away, and god, i hate thinking it.
if you want something embrace it and actually show it without the strings attatched, if you don't stop playing as if you might.

i hate feeling jealous, paranoid, aimlessly lead astray, and most of all confused.

stop muddling up my brain, it's already fucked up enough.

overrun by hate.

i look around and all i see is a generation over-run by hate,
everything people write about, read about, negative.
why are we so sad, never happy with what it is we have, we are all depressed, phycologically disordered, objects of pure hate, and what can that really mean in a world where we use it so freely, everyday perhaps.

we are hatrid, and we are the future.

3:42pm

last night + today, i have just felt so so happy.
being content with just the my own company and the swarms of strangers in the big city, and also being with someone i adore, someone i feel free with, have unconditional love towards and not worry, you make me smile and laugh so easily.

i love the way sydney just makes me think, it has so much to discover, so much wisdom, so many people and space; and everything has it's own unique beauty.

home could be anywhere, when i am holding you

clenched fists.

today has just been badluck.

i have had no satisfaction and nothing positive to lift my spirits, i woke up angry, and who knows i'll probably go to sleep angry.

i have been rudely informed that banks are not open all day sundays, how inconvenient. i really need lots of money now and i can't get it, and it boils down to that fucking slut that stole my credit card.

vodka and goon for lunch, never felt better.
now im going to sleep my anger off, hopefully.

out x

worst night at work

okay sooo here it goes:

firstly:
-borrowed the managers key to open the back area walk in freezer and for some reason she had a really sketchy keyring and the store key fell off between the freezer and the fry hopper.

-got put on fries for four hours straight, got burns all up my fingers and arms.

-didnt get a break between four and ten pm.

-had a heaps shit fill-in manager from warners bay working that didnt know anything about being a manager, even crew trainers knew more than he did.

-got put on dining room close (taking bins in, staking all chairs, and srubbing + squidgy the entire surface of the dining room.

yep, fun times.

love is an illusion.

since the early years of teenage-hood, i have watched my parents twelve year marridge fall to pieces, and now i can't even remember when they were together. i miss feeling like i have a close family, doing family things, now it is rare to even eat dinner together; but im getting off the point.

i have watched not only my own relationships, but all the peoples close to me's relationships crumble, ive seen and experienced so much hurt, and it's just gotten to the point where i find myself terrified of getting too close to someone. even if it seems to be going well, i scare myself out of it.

so just know that in no way do i feel superior to you.
even though i seem harsh and heartless, i hate myself so very much for hurting you, im just stopping it from doing even worse.

if only i could get some warmth and closure to this feeling, this belief, someone to find me that truely understands me and how i feel and can bring me out of this.

love; the extremely difficult realization that something other than oneself is real.

completion.

today i felt as though i got things done,
unlike most i actually feel more satisfied.

went to interior design with only 6 hours sleep on my back but struggled through it, surprisingly i haven't let myself nap, i think the day has just been to nice.

after tafe i proceeded to charlestown library to get some magazines to nautally cut things out of for my collages, and happily found they now supply my favorite magazine
"Frankie", i took as many as i could, got some art supplies and went home.

i cut out heaps of stuff for my walls and to decorate my stuff (sorry library)
anyway, it's been a good day, besides the part where i don't feel beautiful, i feel clean from my long shower, but I'm just so jealous i cant look like what i want too.

refusing heart.

where did you misplace your understanding?

~

so last night was brendan's eighteenth,
i suppose you could say it was an ~interesting~ night,
with little fun patches.

i thought it was pretty rough, but expected, fights between rivals of the gate-crashing southern-cross, dickies, and over-done car types, and the scene or as they referred us as "emo's"

like all house parties it got to the part where things just got over the top and out of hand, uncontrollable.

adding to the overflowing list of things i hate,
-the concept of "sloppy seconds"
-the realization of you not knowing my unspoken truths.
-still living at home, feeling so unresponsible and dependent.

in other news,
r.i.p beautiful forever adored nose-ring, i will miss you.
work sucks a fat one.

numb

i hate myself to say this but this song pretty much somes up how i have felt the last two days, between two close people to me, like wow.

i'm tired of being what you want me to be
feeling so faithless
lost under the surface
i don't know what you're expecting of me
put under the pressure
of walking in your shoes
[caught in the undertow / just caught in the undertow]
every step that i take is another mistake to you

i've
become so numb
i can't feel you there
become so tired
so much more aware
i'm becoming this
all i want to do
is be more like me
and be less like you

can't you see that you're smothering me
holding too tightly
afraid to lose control
cause everything that you thought i would be
has fallen apart right in front of you

[caught in the undertow / just caught in the undertow]
every step that i take is another mistake to you
[caught in the undertow / just caught in the undertow]
and every second i waste is more than i can take

but i know
i may end up failing too
but i know
you were just like me
with someone disappointed in you

top notch day

events:

-wake up at 10am to my phone ringing and an email from beau at 2am saying he had been in some hectic fight.

-sit online for a while to try and wake up a little, which was actually good.
( (L) tom buxton + brendan craig (L) )

-went for a shower.

-decided to take my nose ring out to put the clear one in for work.
-clear one slips out, so i try putting the metal one back in, but its too windy and i cant put it back in.

-mum starts RAGING at me because i used the sandwhich press and didnt clean it up instantly, obviously its going to be scolding hot until it cools down, then because there was salt on the table she told me to clean the loungeroom (it was spotless)

-i had to rush into town and get my nose ring put back through (turns out i needed it re-pierced after taking it out for half an hour)

-got home at 5 to four, checked my metime, turns out im working at 4pm instead of 5pm, RUSH TO WORK, then an hour later my manager trent says i either take it out or clock off, so fuck it, i clocked off. good fucking luck finding someone to cover for the next three days cunts.

i am so angry, i would have had so much money next thursday.
but i like my nose too much.

fuck!

flower by kenzo

mmm bought a gift pack with the perfume and shower cream, smells soooo gooooood.

today i spent the entire day by myself, went to westfield to buy that perfume, then intown to buy 8mm spacers, but turns out they are still to ~rare~ and scabby to go through, i want to be able to sleep on them.

tommorow i am going to sydney with jeorga to hang with edgil and maybe aaron, then saturday working & brendans eighteenth. sunday going for a long drive with leesnack to get my hours upp, weeeeeeeeeeeee :)!

everything you love, fucking dies.

in the last, three days or so, my moods have been in and out more than a whore's bottom half.

alot i feel has been happening as i ride this emotional rollercoaster they call mild bipolar. i've changed my mind alot on things, finally figured out some vital decisions, that only lead to more questions.

i felt overwhelmably happy, highly stimulated last night, until about 3am, like everything was just magnificant, my life was infact complete and i wanted to share my happiness. then the comedown, it may have been caused by sleep deprevation because afterwards i found myself dosed off within six minutes until i recieved an email.

i find im in that situation alot.


tonight i have broken free,
the lonely are alone again.

and i can't tell how i feel, because nothing seems real.

fear

i have not felt so much fear towards hearing one word today,
this time it's not "love".

adventure!

I GOT MY HIPTOP BACK YAYAYAYAY, hahaha.
so i'll start with friday.

bekk came over and we were trying to find somewhere to have bilson, but then ended up hiking our way through the terrenchal rains and heavy wind to brendan harris's house in caves beach. got tipsy and had funny conversations with brendans dad, hahaha.

then saturday hmm, good and bad, predominatly good.

went to "thy art is murder" at the cambridge, practically every human in newcastle i know exept for jeorga and lala were there, sooo good.

then me and bekk adventured to sydney at seven-thirty.

we found our coast friends on the train and hung out,
while i watched ~someone~ try to have a private conversation about me via phone passing, i mean honestlyyy.

moorey also joined us at cockle creek, made it alot more fun(ny).

got into trash at about 1am then the slart at the counter took off with my credit card i told her to mind. oh well.

i had smuggled in the rest of my vodka somehow (wow, considering all the precautions the club takes). i tried drinking really heavily but it made me nautious, ended up getting there, for a while haha.

got so sick of it, but fuck it was good seeing all the syd kids again.
then we left at about 3:30 (guesstimation) and went back to dre and pandas house,
got about 3 hours sleep then me and moorey had to walk to the bus stop (parramatta has like 1 bus stop in the whole city i swear). had a big nap on the train and got home at 430 or some ridiclus time in the day. fun/different weekend :)!

nose piercing.

slept in until about twelve today,
then went to uni to study up on my architecture assignment,
i was only there for about, half an hour if that because i realised that most of the project was really done.

so i waited for a bus into town to get my nose done, got on the 104, it went through waratah with all the ratty school children, then mayfield, through to carrington, then when we were at the bus stop near guy newmans house, this old man slipped on his way onto the bus, he looked okay, but then everyone crowded around, the bus driver called an ambulance and told us we needed to wait for another bus to come. so i thought fuck it, ill walk, i walked back to mayfield and caught a bus into hunter street, this took me over an hour to get back to town, when it should take around 20.

i got my nose done and went home,

today was the first day of my quest, to become what i want to be.

indecisive.

so torn between the lives i could be living,
my motivation to forfill dreams never gets filled,
nobody ever wants to understand the life i want to live,
i wish you had the ear to listen.

i have no love to give,
i have so many tears left to shed,
that will be what i have to offer you, and for that i am sorry.

i dont want anything to matter, but it does.
never ending hope is what compels you,

and if there is a god,
why hasn't he blessed me with a heart of stone,
to keep me sane, to hold me back from your pain.

peppermint tea,

mmm yummy, had a pretty long day.
peppermint tea and a marlboro gold gaaa, best ever.

worked 5 hours with my lifetime bestfriend susan, makes work abit more fun.
jorja got her p's today and they popped in when i was finishing, was so good seeing them. it rained sooo hard when we got in newcastle then found out diabolik was closed so i had to push my spacers back through myself, luccckkky.

i really miss sydney and i want to go back, havent been there in about two and a half weeks, hopefully i'll make my way there on friday with bekk.

hmm, today was good, i am content,
well... with most things i suppose.


find faith within yourself,
live life for someone true,
dont ever waste your dreams,
love like you cant explain.

nightmare or dream?

i just woke up from the most bizarre dream,

it starts out, i was thinking about maybe buying tickets online for a trip overseas to the u.s with this class i was in, not that i'm in school anymore. anyway i purchased the ticket and was going to "suprise" my parents by telling them i was going on a holiday (foolish?). and then all of a sudden i woke up, it was 9am, and i was in some motel room in america. i stressed out, not knowing how i got there because i don't rememeber anything between the day of buying that ticket and getting to america. i didnt have a phone (hello that is already a nightmare i am living), so i couldnt ring my parents to tell them or ask them what the fuck was happening.

i went to the reception and asked where a few of the students where in my class because i only knew a few names, apparently they went out already.

over the road was a massive "mall" and i went over there to find a shop where i could make overseas calls, i found one, but they could only connect it through mobiles. this guy, about the same age as me was next to me and let me borrow his phone, the charges were something ridiculus like $30 for 10minutes but i was so out of it, i needed to get somewhere.

i called my mum, and my older sister (?) answered the phone, i asked her if i could speak to mum or dad and she said they arnt there, she told me how frantic they both were because they didnt know where i was, i explained i was in america, how i didnt know how i got there and wasn't sure if i had a return ticket home. i had one backpack full of stuff that didnt even look to be mine. i rumagged through the front pocket and found a large receipt saying i have a return flight in 6 days, my sister passed the phone to dad, he began yelling and asking how the hell did i get to america, was i passed out or druged. i didn't feel as though it was either, but that led to even more paranoia.

i decided to go back to the motel and wait for my class to come back, when i got back they were there, i felt so much relief, bursting out question by question as to what had happened the last couple of days, but they ignored me.

i remembered years and years ago (2005-6) i met these two boys online, chris and eric, (this is actually a fact) they were fifteen and i was thirteen when we met, i became really close friends with them both, so i decided to go online and try contact them.

there were some computers downstairs with internet avaliable,
i went down there and got on a computer,
added their addresses onto my new msn account,
chris was online, he was so suprised to be talking to me and i started rambeling on about what had happened, he asked where i was, turns out i was in his state (michigan), he told me how to get to his house. i caught this bus that took about 2 hours to get there. i arrived outside his house and he gave me a big hug, remarking on how wierd my accent was. we went inside and he put some heaps metal music on really loud and we walked up his stairs, he came up behind me and hugged me really tight again, then some asian chick around 22, appeared and took chris in a room, i followed him but then she shut the door on my face, i waited 10 minutes then knocked on the door, he peered out the door and told me he would see me later, half naked. i stressed out, i was lost on how to get back to the motel, i went across this little field into the rest of suburbia, i found a bus-stop, got on the next bus and somehow made my way back to the motel.

days passed all of a sudden and it was time to depart the u.s,
i went to the airport and got on the plane home.

i got home and explained everything that happened, it was all fine.
then got on myspace and put in my name [BACK FROM THE U.S] hahahaha.

and yeah, pretty sure i could make a book with how much i have wrote nowww,
theeee enddddd.

so fucking cold.

frozen.

hmm it's so gay how the majority of my friends have made skateboarding a trend, within like two weeks you consider it your main hobbie. i was learning to skate almost everyday for a year in 2007 and even then i still wasn't good.
its always got to be something hey.

it's still telling everyone of your either, sleep deprevation or napping. i suppose people of our age are like that though, we are a nocternal type, but whatever.

so i ended up going out last night,
was okay,
but that's the last time i go to a party at jess's (diabolik)
sitting there awquardly with people i don't know and don't seem to like me for no good reason, because they can. gay.

the only nice bit is being on the roof, overlooking newcastle at night.

tom:hey look at that, those star looking things are moving. looks like the southern cross is relocating

beau:what the fuck are those dickie cunts going to get tattooed on their bodies now?

tom:the two left i guess

hahahahaha

fucking lame.

what a fucking shit weekend,
i havent had a drop of booze since wednesday night which was hardly anything to count. all i have done is slept, worked and told myself i need to finish my assesments, but never gotten around to it.

there are things avaliable to do tonight,
but like everything else, i am losing interest.

i have lost hope in the things i enjoyed the most during my week,
hot damn of a thursday for example, looks like that's not happening for the next, roughly nine months.

i feel like everything looks so boring, i am free to go out but do i want to go?

i have felt bound for months, barred away. let me go.



goodbye fun times

beautiful.

i love this song, it's so good just to think about things to.
appresh
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nL49yZNE4yk


as the sea breeze hits my lungs, it takes me back to where i belong

busy week.

i dont really know where to start,

i think the thing im most thrilled on at this second is i just checked my online paychecks, looks like i have $80+ dollars in the bank (plus $50+ in my purse). to alot of people that would be petty but it will keep me happy for the coming weekend, hopefully i will buy something of a more permenant existance and not all on drugs and or alcohol.

the last two days where pretty fun i rekon, sure they could have been better e.g jeorga not getting kicked out by the growing sums of sumoan/tongan/phillipino buff/fat security guards. drinking more than one peach vodka and a corona (atleast they were free/payed for, haha).

i had alot of fun hanging with my bestfriend, attempting to scab free piercings/spacers off our favorite tattoo and piercing shop diabolik, with matt, spacing ears (and further for me), visiting our favorite lovely gay bar-tender, giving personalities to random people passing by below the apartment, rolling around in blankets, furious napping, eating long craved pumpkin soup and numourous hours of hardcore lurking.

onto another subject

i really really really want to move out, i just crave the freedom, resbonsibitly and peace that i don't get at home. i can completely eradicate the everyday moaning and groaning of my mum wossing on about all these different pharmacuticals and vitamins, her being nothing but a compulsive, health feened, overly obsessive body and mind freak. that lives off her de-facto like husband's income, along with scabbing as much possible off her seventeen year old, self dependant (cash wise) daughter. hm, yeah it annoys me alot.

i think thats about it.

fail.

today everything was bad luck i swear, fml.

-yet again woke up to loud crashing plates, bright sun and crashing doors.
-go to "mission australia" basically for my mum's paycheck, jobsearching even though i have two jobs already.
-get a haircut, hairdresser fails, then i ask for a blowdry straight and its an extra $30 what a joke.
-go to get a bus home, wait 20 minutes, dont look at the bus number and get on the wrong bus.
-get home, mum blabbering on the phone she could possibly have superglued to her head without us noticing.
-have a sleep, wake up at 430 meant to be intown at five, then jeorga can't go out with me anymore.
-dye my hair red and it looks purple, for the forth time in a row.

atleast my room is clean now i guess, that always makes me that little bit happier.

out.

oh and p.s heeeeey dylan!

blerrr

i haven't felt remotely attractive for weeks, i dont want to see my reflection.

hmm so it was a pretty weekend starting thursday, freezing my tits off outside hot damn, for some stupid unknown reason bothering trying to get in, but now i give up. big fight with jorja on the way home fucking sucked, i was sitting there, shivering in newspapers peering across the city lights across hawkesbury river. i am like homing pigeon, wherever i go, i find my way home, i think that's why my parents dont worry about it so much anymore. friday was the 'undead' party in jesmond, i felt like a giant gronk, so i drunk until i believed otherwise, photo's prove otherwise. saturday working then squids, blerr, kinda sucked yeah.

i really want to move out into an appartment in town, alot.

on wednesday.

i am going to tell him.

changes

at twelve my first boyfriend, it didnt last long, my mind slips at this because it was too long ago.
at thirteen i was at shock, i could see my entire academia falling before my eyes, and to help that my father brought the worst in me, made me feel as though having a brain rich in mathematics was what i truely needed to succeed in life.
at fourteen i was completely mind boggled, clinged to this self consumed, heartless bitch. that i found after an entire childhood (that does reffer to kindergarten until present), i was nothing to her, at most a sidekick. something she felt as being lower than herself to bring herself to ease, and at more self worth.
at fifteen i was a heart-throb, completely taken by someone i had met just the night before, and what felt to be destiny. dating for exactly a year, this was probably.. no, definatly the best year of my life, almost absolutely careless. all we truely needed was each others company.
at sixteen i was a nervous wreck, until my strings snapped, i stopped eating, attempted drug overdose and got stuck in a hospital ward that was basically a fancy name for a hygenic jail, that instead of feeding you close to nothing, trying to feed you as much as possible.
now, at seventeen i don't believe in much at all, and most definatly not in love, not between a man and a woman. only for family and for friends. i cannot hold a relationship for anything much more than a month. although i am totally aware of who i am, the sort of person i have become, what i can and cannot withstand, and after all, isn't that life's biggest question? who we are?

fuck you.

honestly, why did you bother, i suppose that day must have been a drunken slur i got stuck into.
eitherway, you are hopeless and now are really annoying me.

-what was here-

blerr sorry.

is it possible?

hannah rae has more than the regular infatuation?
as per usual, i'd be breaking yet another heart.

i feel like i've got a really close connection with someone, a girl.
i met her at the start of the year, and ever since then i think i have been forever interested and amused by her, her style, indivuality and neverending wisdom.

our first kiss i think was when we were out,
i don't remember how i did it, but jumped at you at an opportunity; enjoyed it, so went again.

and the last time, also being out and drunk, wow, i can't even explain, it felt like.. possibly one of the best/longest kisses i have ever had.

i have told you how i once felt,
not actually admitting to you that i still do actually feel the exact same.

but, like me, it's a deadend street, because you didn't show anything towards me back.

i'm hiding behind this mask called a boy,
yet another little lustful love muffin, completely taken by me, but not by him.
and i don't really know what i can do.