this week i have currently been questioning my lust for love? does that make sense?
i've been thinking about everyone else and their relationships, which has resulted in me thinking about what i'm doing in the depths of self-pity. should i try and find someone again? or probably a better explanation, let people actually like me.
since, september, which inches closer and closer to a year ago, i have been afraid of only myself, and what i found i am capable of doing; of destroying.
but now i have breifly thought it over this week,
i can safely say that i can't see myself doing that anymore (cheating).
i don't feel any desire to be with more than one person.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
winters skin,
winter sucked me up and spat me out.
the night started with jeorga coming to get me from work, then us walking back to my house. i got in a little trouble for giving her free food, a fuckload of "sip-aah's", free chips and sauce and who else knows and got caught by one of the many low-life, jealous, depressed crew managers. i think i've realised why you girls are so slack to the regular employee's, i mean, if i, at eighteen, nineteen or early twenties worked at mcdonalds full time, usually overtime; i would be sevearly depressed inside, i would probably want to pick on me and other people younger and ill-experience in your ~area of expertice~ hahah, what a fucking joke.
we got back to mine at about seven-thirty,
started getting ready on our treck to sydney;
when we were finally ready,
we drove to cardiff to catch a train to gosford, where we thought we could catch a train to sydney from, as usual. when we hopped off we found
~jonnycatastrophe~ by himself hopping out of a carridge, then we found a cityrail worker and he rudely explained there were no trains until 3am (it was midnight at the time)
it was beyond freezing outside and we decided we might go upstairs so we could be inside to protect us from a little bit of the harsh cold, posted bulletins, contacted a few hundred people to see if we could get driven to sydney, eventually at 2am we got picked up by basically a complete stranger, known only by aquantince, driven to hornsby where we waited half an hour in a kebab shop full of lads waiting for our bus. we started gettin boozey on the bus to town hall, then when we got there jonny left and me and jeorga headed up to oxford street (hot damn) to find people leaving that we could possibly stay with, at this time it was 4am. we saw scott silence and sarah brooke briefly then started talking to these random blacktown boys that came off as really friendly and entertaining, they invited us back to their house but i was a little sketchy.
jeorga left our blankets in hyde park bushes, then they got stolen. so we headed back to her house, on the 6:15am train, with only the rising sun to keep us that little bit warm, what a pointless trip.
the night started with jeorga coming to get me from work, then us walking back to my house. i got in a little trouble for giving her free food, a fuckload of "sip-aah's", free chips and sauce and who else knows and got caught by one of the many low-life, jealous, depressed crew managers. i think i've realised why you girls are so slack to the regular employee's, i mean, if i, at eighteen, nineteen or early twenties worked at mcdonalds full time, usually overtime; i would be sevearly depressed inside, i would probably want to pick on me and other people younger and ill-experience in your ~area of expertice~ hahah, what a fucking joke.
we got back to mine at about seven-thirty,
started getting ready on our treck to sydney;
when we were finally ready,
we drove to cardiff to catch a train to gosford, where we thought we could catch a train to sydney from, as usual. when we hopped off we found
~jonnycatastrophe~ by himself hopping out of a carridge, then we found a cityrail worker and he rudely explained there were no trains until 3am (it was midnight at the time)
it was beyond freezing outside and we decided we might go upstairs so we could be inside to protect us from a little bit of the harsh cold, posted bulletins, contacted a few hundred people to see if we could get driven to sydney, eventually at 2am we got picked up by basically a complete stranger, known only by aquantince, driven to hornsby where we waited half an hour in a kebab shop full of lads waiting for our bus. we started gettin boozey on the bus to town hall, then when we got there jonny left and me and jeorga headed up to oxford street (hot damn) to find people leaving that we could possibly stay with, at this time it was 4am. we saw scott silence and sarah brooke briefly then started talking to these random blacktown boys that came off as really friendly and entertaining, they invited us back to their house but i was a little sketchy.
jeorga left our blankets in hyde park bushes, then they got stolen. so we headed back to her house, on the 6:15am train, with only the rising sun to keep us that little bit warm, what a pointless trip.
Friday, June 26, 2009
a few days of june with rune~
i decided i might go to somewhere new, the blue mountains.
where rune lives, a person i'd only met twice once when he was at my house with brenna, her boyfriend and jeorga and once when i was trashed at a sydney club.
but unlike i would have been usually, i decided i'd go ahead and stay with him anyway, make better friends and i'm really glad i did. those few days where really cute, rune is a gorgeous boy.
leuma is really beautiful and interesting. i wish i took some photo's, i am really regretting it, next time though. i forgot my camera when we went into the city and then when i got the chance the batteries ran flat, i think in it's own little way maybe it didnt want photo's taken of it?
rune's house and location is pretty interesting, it just looks like the middle of nowhere, but in a suburbia. the houses and people looked so different, like a gypsy town. rune's dad is a magician for kids, at first i didnt believe it, pretty amazing.
and when we ventured into the city to get some lunch every couple of stores where like,magicians, palm readers, shaymans ect. the whole atmostphere was just really calm and relaxing.
i spent a fuckload of money on crap there, alot on food and lollies from this little lolly-shop tucked in an arcade of shops rune showed me. some lights for my room, cented candles, new inscense ect. i feel really fucking shit for spending that much money (not going to enclose how much), because i really want to buy my car soon.
where rune lives, a person i'd only met twice once when he was at my house with brenna, her boyfriend and jeorga and once when i was trashed at a sydney club.
but unlike i would have been usually, i decided i'd go ahead and stay with him anyway, make better friends and i'm really glad i did. those few days where really cute, rune is a gorgeous boy.
leuma is really beautiful and interesting. i wish i took some photo's, i am really regretting it, next time though. i forgot my camera when we went into the city and then when i got the chance the batteries ran flat, i think in it's own little way maybe it didnt want photo's taken of it?
rune's house and location is pretty interesting, it just looks like the middle of nowhere, but in a suburbia. the houses and people looked so different, like a gypsy town. rune's dad is a magician for kids, at first i didnt believe it, pretty amazing.
and when we ventured into the city to get some lunch every couple of stores where like,magicians, palm readers, shaymans ect. the whole atmostphere was just really calm and relaxing.
i spent a fuckload of money on crap there, alot on food and lollies from this little lolly-shop tucked in an arcade of shops rune showed me. some lights for my room, cented candles, new inscense ect. i feel really fucking shit for spending that much money (not going to enclose how much), because i really want to buy my car soon.
Monday, June 22, 2009
death of an interior decorator,
i really hate tafe,
and i'm begining to hate interior design.
i guess i don't enjoy it maybe because i can't so much as relate and listen to people that are maybe old enough to be my mother, or even grandmother.
like today,
i went to use the lightable to trace some designs and needed to move my chair in and tripped on this old bag's suitcase, its fucking beyond me why you would bother bringing an entire suitcase to tafe which might i add you are only attending one day a week for a maximum of seven hours, she gave me the dirtiest look for tripping over her stuff, don't need your nite and toothbrush for that you senile old prude.
and the teachers are fools,
a rediculus workload pilled on at a single time, due on usually the one date.
interior design is so much more boring than i thought, i was exited for my future.
and i'm begining to hate interior design.
i guess i don't enjoy it maybe because i can't so much as relate and listen to people that are maybe old enough to be my mother, or even grandmother.
like today,
i went to use the lightable to trace some designs and needed to move my chair in and tripped on this old bag's suitcase, its fucking beyond me why you would bother bringing an entire suitcase to tafe which might i add you are only attending one day a week for a maximum of seven hours, she gave me the dirtiest look for tripping over her stuff, don't need your nite and toothbrush for that you senile old prude.
and the teachers are fools,
a rediculus workload pilled on at a single time, due on usually the one date.
interior design is so much more boring than i thought, i was exited for my future.
time is the only thing on our hands
tommorow im going to the blue mountains to see a friend and hopefully taking some good photo's to start a tumblr account, exited to share my creativity with photography ever since leaving year eleven photography last year.
wednesday hopefully going to the cambridge, since last week was fairly fun, playing/d&m's with gibbo who has been overseas for two months i believe.
thursday i am working (N) but its also PAY DAY YEOWWWW
and the weekend is yet to be planned, but i would like to be in sydney, possibly.
wednesday hopefully going to the cambridge, since last week was fairly fun, playing/d&m's with gibbo who has been overseas for two months i believe.
thursday i am working (N) but its also PAY DAY YEOWWWW
and the weekend is yet to be planned, but i would like to be in sydney, possibly.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
what can i say,
i miss;
-long traintrips to see you.
-playing at ~peteee~'s really old looking house, drinking multiple passionfruit oodles, you forcing me to do my really funny voices, playing in the spare room and teaching you things.
-many atempts at drawing your eyes, with the beautiful gold in the middle.
-you stopping me making a fool of myself, alllll the timeeee.
-pulling faces at you while you serve customers.
-you stealing all my cigarettes.
-hickies on graduation day.
-your crazy deep kisses.
remember when i was so sweet and unexplainable,
nothing like this person, unlovable.
..i just want back in your head.
-long traintrips to see you.
-playing at ~peteee~'s really old looking house, drinking multiple passionfruit oodles, you forcing me to do my really funny voices, playing in the spare room and teaching you things.
-many atempts at drawing your eyes, with the beautiful gold in the middle.
-you stopping me making a fool of myself, alllll the timeeee.
-pulling faces at you while you serve customers.
-you stealing all my cigarettes.
-hickies on graduation day.
-your crazy deep kisses.
remember when i was so sweet and unexplainable,
nothing like this person, unlovable.
..i just want back in your head.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
drifting over hawkesbury.
listening and reading about what my bestfriends have to say to their boyfriends or lovers, sometimes just makes me jealous, like, i guess that explains why i am getting so jealous and depressed, because i don't have someone i can love and love me back. i mean on alot of occasions, and even now, i could have that, but in the long run, is it what i want or not?
i just want more fun, fresh memories for the brain bank.
all the others are getting stail and i just want to re-emburse it with something to assure i am still happy.
not for months can i think of a time truely worth a spot in my memory, worth explaining, worth reminising.
nights like the infamous "bobby chang" night, and other various nights at and after the cambridge. and legless nights at hot damn, sydney. i haven't been proper drunk since, i think, the train to hot damn i.e last time house vs. hurricane went on tour with the amity affliction (february 28?)
also something i have realised to stay away from, under my age boys.
because i feel much for oblidged/interested/keen on guys older than me, 18-23.
today i started to feel the sickness going around hit me,
not keen at all. i have too much work and too little of an immune system to deal with it.
i just want more fun, fresh memories for the brain bank.
all the others are getting stail and i just want to re-emburse it with something to assure i am still happy.
not for months can i think of a time truely worth a spot in my memory, worth explaining, worth reminising.
nights like the infamous "bobby chang" night, and other various nights at and after the cambridge. and legless nights at hot damn, sydney. i haven't been proper drunk since, i think, the train to hot damn i.e last time house vs. hurricane went on tour with the amity affliction (february 28?)
also something i have realised to stay away from, under my age boys.
because i feel much for oblidged/interested/keen on guys older than me, 18-23.
today i started to feel the sickness going around hit me,
not keen at all. i have too much work and too little of an immune system to deal with it.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
streets alive.
is it possible i have to much feeling and it clashes with not having enough heart, enough commitment to pursue? i scare myself more than anything.
another weekend in syndey,
i don't know what it is that makes me so happy when im there.
i'm really excited about moving there next year, maybe with my bestfriend.
anyway, my weekend started off basically around 330 when i set off driving to wyong after i missed getting a lift with the boys because i was too fussy about what i was wearing (although i ended up looking/feeling like shit eitherway)
chased the train, nose to nose all the way to sydney trying to get it but no, ended up taking four hours to get to manning bar, then being sober and going in by myself.
saw my favorite band but didn't really enjoy it as much as i thought i could, being in stupid clothing e.g heels (last time i do that), i guess i just fogot what it was like going to an massive AA show, it's been a while.
negatives:
-felt discusting/not pretty/ratty pretty much the entire time.
-HVH ARE NOT TOURING FOR A FEW MONTH BECAUSE THEY ARE RECORDING THEIR NEW FULL LENGTH.
-too much travel and time wasted.
-spent pretty much all my money made last week.
-didnt exactly enjoy the show.
positives:
-saw my favorite band.
-sydney makes me happy.
-lots of hours up for my p's.
-found out dre doesn't dislike me, it was my paranoia.
-met new people.
observation: need to need less, need to want less, need to feel less.
another weekend in syndey,
i don't know what it is that makes me so happy when im there.
i'm really excited about moving there next year, maybe with my bestfriend.
anyway, my weekend started off basically around 330 when i set off driving to wyong after i missed getting a lift with the boys because i was too fussy about what i was wearing (although i ended up looking/feeling like shit eitherway)
chased the train, nose to nose all the way to sydney trying to get it but no, ended up taking four hours to get to manning bar, then being sober and going in by myself.
saw my favorite band but didn't really enjoy it as much as i thought i could, being in stupid clothing e.g heels (last time i do that), i guess i just fogot what it was like going to an massive AA show, it's been a while.
negatives:
-felt discusting/not pretty/ratty pretty much the entire time.
-HVH ARE NOT TOURING FOR A FEW MONTH BECAUSE THEY ARE RECORDING THEIR NEW FULL LENGTH.
-too much travel and time wasted.
-spent pretty much all my money made last week.
-didnt exactly enjoy the show.
positives:
-saw my favorite band.
-sydney makes me happy.
-lots of hours up for my p's.
-found out dre doesn't dislike me, it was my paranoia.
-met new people.
observation: need to need less, need to want less, need to feel less.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
confusion.
why are you doing this,
you are just so confusing and miss-leading.
it's like your playing some hard to get game,
i hate how you play this,
this whispy kind of friendship/relationship.
i never get to see you and this leads to me believing anything is happening behind closed doors, because i am so far away, and god, i hate thinking it.
if you want something embrace it and actually show it without the strings attatched, if you don't stop playing as if you might.
i hate feeling jealous, paranoid, aimlessly lead astray, and most of all confused.
stop muddling up my brain, it's already fucked up enough.
you are just so confusing and miss-leading.
it's like your playing some hard to get game,
i hate how you play this,
this whispy kind of friendship/relationship.
i never get to see you and this leads to me believing anything is happening behind closed doors, because i am so far away, and god, i hate thinking it.
if you want something embrace it and actually show it without the strings attatched, if you don't stop playing as if you might.
i hate feeling jealous, paranoid, aimlessly lead astray, and most of all confused.
stop muddling up my brain, it's already fucked up enough.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
overrun by hate.
i look around and all i see is a generation over-run by hate,
everything people write about, read about, negative.
why are we so sad, never happy with what it is we have, we are all depressed, phycologically disordered, objects of pure hate, and what can that really mean in a world where we use it so freely, everyday perhaps.
we are hatrid, and we are the future.
everything people write about, read about, negative.
why are we so sad, never happy with what it is we have, we are all depressed, phycologically disordered, objects of pure hate, and what can that really mean in a world where we use it so freely, everyday perhaps.
we are hatrid, and we are the future.
Monday, June 8, 2009
3:42pm
last night + today, i have just felt so so happy.
being content with just the my own company and the swarms of strangers in the big city, and also being with someone i adore, someone i feel free with, have unconditional love towards and not worry, you make me smile and laugh so easily.
i love the way sydney just makes me think, it has so much to discover, so much wisdom, so many people and space; and everything has it's own unique beauty.
home could be anywhere, when i am holding you
being content with just the my own company and the swarms of strangers in the big city, and also being with someone i adore, someone i feel free with, have unconditional love towards and not worry, you make me smile and laugh so easily.
i love the way sydney just makes me think, it has so much to discover, so much wisdom, so many people and space; and everything has it's own unique beauty.
home could be anywhere, when i am holding you
Sunday, June 7, 2009
clenched fists.
today has just been badluck.
i have had no satisfaction and nothing positive to lift my spirits, i woke up angry, and who knows i'll probably go to sleep angry.
i have been rudely informed that banks are not open all day sundays, how inconvenient. i really need lots of money now and i can't get it, and it boils down to that fucking slut that stole my credit card.
vodka and goon for lunch, never felt better.
now im going to sleep my anger off, hopefully.
out x
i have had no satisfaction and nothing positive to lift my spirits, i woke up angry, and who knows i'll probably go to sleep angry.
i have been rudely informed that banks are not open all day sundays, how inconvenient. i really need lots of money now and i can't get it, and it boils down to that fucking slut that stole my credit card.
vodka and goon for lunch, never felt better.
now im going to sleep my anger off, hopefully.
out x
Saturday, June 6, 2009
worst night at work
okay sooo here it goes:
firstly:
-borrowed the managers key to open the back area walk in freezer and for some reason she had a really sketchy keyring and the store key fell off between the freezer and the fry hopper.
-got put on fries for four hours straight, got burns all up my fingers and arms.
-didnt get a break between four and ten pm.
-had a heaps shit fill-in manager from warners bay working that didnt know anything about being a manager, even crew trainers knew more than he did.
-got put on dining room close (taking bins in, staking all chairs, and srubbing + squidgy the entire surface of the dining room.
yep, fun times.
firstly:
-borrowed the managers key to open the back area walk in freezer and for some reason she had a really sketchy keyring and the store key fell off between the freezer and the fry hopper.
-got put on fries for four hours straight, got burns all up my fingers and arms.
-didnt get a break between four and ten pm.
-had a heaps shit fill-in manager from warners bay working that didnt know anything about being a manager, even crew trainers knew more than he did.
-got put on dining room close (taking bins in, staking all chairs, and srubbing + squidgy the entire surface of the dining room.
yep, fun times.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
love is an illusion.
since the early years of teenage-hood, i have watched my parents twelve year marridge fall to pieces, and now i can't even remember when they were together. i miss feeling like i have a close family, doing family things, now it is rare to even eat dinner together; but im getting off the point.
i have watched not only my own relationships, but all the peoples close to me's relationships crumble, ive seen and experienced so much hurt, and it's just gotten to the point where i find myself terrified of getting too close to someone. even if it seems to be going well, i scare myself out of it.
so just know that in no way do i feel superior to you.
even though i seem harsh and heartless, i hate myself so very much for hurting you, im just stopping it from doing even worse.
if only i could get some warmth and closure to this feeling, this belief, someone to find me that truely understands me and how i feel and can bring me out of this.
love; the extremely difficult realization that something other than oneself is real.
i have watched not only my own relationships, but all the peoples close to me's relationships crumble, ive seen and experienced so much hurt, and it's just gotten to the point where i find myself terrified of getting too close to someone. even if it seems to be going well, i scare myself out of it.
so just know that in no way do i feel superior to you.
even though i seem harsh and heartless, i hate myself so very much for hurting you, im just stopping it from doing even worse.
if only i could get some warmth and closure to this feeling, this belief, someone to find me that truely understands me and how i feel and can bring me out of this.
love; the extremely difficult realization that something other than oneself is real.
Monday, June 1, 2009
completion.
today i felt as though i got things done,
unlike most i actually feel more satisfied.
went to interior design with only 6 hours sleep on my back but struggled through it, surprisingly i haven't let myself nap, i think the day has just been to nice.
after tafe i proceeded to charlestown library to get some magazines to nautally cut things out of for my collages, and happily found they now supply my favorite magazine
"Frankie", i took as many as i could, got some art supplies and went home.
i cut out heaps of stuff for my walls and to decorate my stuff (sorry library)
anyway, it's been a good day, besides the part where i don't feel beautiful, i feel clean from my long shower, but I'm just so jealous i cant look like what i want too.
unlike most i actually feel more satisfied.
went to interior design with only 6 hours sleep on my back but struggled through it, surprisingly i haven't let myself nap, i think the day has just been to nice.
after tafe i proceeded to charlestown library to get some magazines to nautally cut things out of for my collages, and happily found they now supply my favorite magazine
"Frankie", i took as many as i could, got some art supplies and went home.
i cut out heaps of stuff for my walls and to decorate my stuff (sorry library)
anyway, it's been a good day, besides the part where i don't feel beautiful, i feel clean from my long shower, but I'm just so jealous i cant look like what i want too.
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