so long blog,

i've come to a decision there's not much point in coming on here any longer.
not many people even post anything at all anymore and whenever they do it's somewhat boring/irrelevant.

however, i don't feel the need to delete my blog, it will stay as something to read over, it's good to have documented the best and mostly worst of times over being a sixteen/seventeen year old. i've done some pretty stupid things over the last two years and there is no doubt more to come. although, i no longer feel the need to write everything down to remember/for certain people to lurk and have a good chuckle over and re-post about several months later.

it will stay as an online memoir until i decide otherwise, goodbyeee.

sorry beloved blog,

i've forgotten about you.

i don't even have any creativity or something overly interesting to type about.
suppose i could tell you what's new.

as every year starts, with everyone. i feel somewhat motivated to start new things that regretably i know will not last over about a week.

today i applied for a new course in buisness administration, i'm fairly nervous about this because i have never been an overly organised person and the course seems to hold alot of mathamatics at some points. but in saying that i am still convinced that finishing that and it being able to look for a more reliable job, somewhere i can be proud to say that i'm working for, will be worth it.

also am finishing the rest of my cert III in graphic design which i know i will not regret.

i'm eighteen in eight minus days, how exiting.
i cant believe it's so close!

die faster,

I stood outside and I watched you, you fascinate me. Its your entire persona.
Unlike myself, you lead so much to the imagination. I've wanted to figure you out but I've got such a strong feeling, like a presence of someone telling me I shouldnt be there, I shouldn't be doing what I am.

I came inside and I watched you, I layed down and proceeded to squirm closer to you,
Waiting for a sign, show me something, anything. I stroked your wrists and thought you might like the way I feel you. You rolled me off you and fell asleep on the far side of the bed.
I layed down straight, in the dark for what felt like forever, I stared at the slowly collapsing ceiling and realised time has flied and I've learnt my lesson, I just wish I hasn't wasted it on you, I can't help but say I felt something.

I drove around the corner and sobbed to myself as I drove slowely down what felt like abandoned streets, I'm going home.

As I rolled down the highway, I turned the cold air hot and it was if I could feel your presence again, but in this giant town I am so alone.

i dont think anyone will actually read this,

but everytime i feel like this,
that certain memory pops up in my head.

i don't remember anything else from this night, i do not remember who i was with, how i got where i was, what day it was or even what month.

my day went horrible, my night went herendous.
and then i found you.

i was standing outside waiting and i spotted you sitting on the bench with your head or your hands, sobbing. i thought sure, this girls playing typical, possibly just some boy troubles.. 'i just got a phone call, my father just died'
my heart sank and with this complete stranger i wanted to cry my eyes out,
immediatly i put myself into her shoes.

i patted her back and started to hold her, i'd never felt that uncertain feeling as though.. well i shouldn't be touching you, we are both strangers but we are both miserable and i don't think it matters, given how you must be feeling..?

i could tell when i saw you, you didn't want attention but i would feel guilty without asking something, doing.. something.

a friend of her's arrived soon after and she began to walk away from us, she was so torn apart. that boy, her friend grabbed her and layed her down in the middle of the tiles next to the museum, he sat on his calfs, lifted her up onto his legs, wrapped her arms around her and held her.

that night i found that no matter how bad your life may be,
somebody else is always doing worse.

sorry,

hmm so i never actually realised until this week how many people actually look down on me for the person i have become over last year until today.

i suppose im sorry, not to you, to myself.

it's too hard to keep other people happy when you are not happy with yourself.

i've been trying so, so hard to just better myself so i will not have to resort to that ever so tempting, trendy resolution of fleeing this town to somewhere where nobody knows my name and a second chance, where i am not so afraid to be myself.

after breaking it off with my boyfriend of one year i felt as though everything had just slipped into place, it hadn't.

i was linked to this interesting scene of people and made a huge group of friends and associates. i had lost all contact with my friends since being with jake, although through ties i had found two main bestfriends and a group of people i was rather proud to call my friends.

i had a boyfriend again until mid-march last year until that was cut off because of my fear of getting too attached and losing it all again, i didnt want my social life to lose value as it had in past times.

sure, i went a little wild with exitement last year, i had an entire new lifestyle and i wanted to embrace this new life with everything i had. although along with this life i found i was getting less and less interest in a more permenant status with another partner, until it came to this, nothing more than a complete joke.

and now i've found it's all turned on me,
because i chose that path it seems all males, along with females seem to think that relationship-wise (or who knows what else) i am a complete drop-kick.

how releaving knowing i am nothing but a (direct quote) 'nothing but a piece of meat in a butcher store, never going to get a boyfriend with someone from here because everyone wants a go at her'

it seems everyone just wants to attack me at a point where i need the most support.
where i am torn between a heated up divorce,
struggling with gutt-wrenching anxiety and have people that i have realised are actually not who i can call 'friends' picking at that last slowly degrading piece of self esteem i might have. i cannot feel in place at all anymore, in a big group of people that used to care, i stand there and feel completly, utterly alone.

to readers, i infact did not write this post to get replies of your pathetic attmepts of sympathy, perhaps maybe just a little bit of relief knowing you've gone out of your way and all together you have made me resort to feeling this way about myself and of you.

i am losing everything, sometimes i feel as though, through all hopes lost, a dependancy on artifical happiness, nothing's actually worth it at all and my longing visions are going to become much more validated.

dead hearts,

This isn’t me
I never asked to feel this way
And I can never justify
Why every dream has to hide
The morning’s coming
So now we’re falling
In and out of words we’ve said
In and out of dreams we’ve let die
We live a dying dream
I live a dying dream
When the morning comes, we’ll curse the sun
We live a dying dream
I live a dying dream
If morning never comes
We’ve won
But we don’t stand a chance
The coming dawn kills romance
We’ll pray for darkness
So our nights are endless
Now every word is bringing
Our time near its ending
I know that we’re the only
I know that we’re the lonely ones
That hope someone feels this way
So that we can share our pain
Is anybody hearing, is anybody with us?
Because, this isn’t me
I never asked to feel this way
Time is running out
On the days that I’ve lost count
And now I’m falling
Our morning’s coming
I’ll take back ever word I’ve said
Reaching for our dreams again
I need a show of hands
To see who’s with me
Is anybody listening?
Who lies awake at night
Wishing for a dream before dawn’s light?
Who’s alone in the darkness? Whose nights are endless?
Who lies awake at night
Knowing that this dream dies in daylight?
Is anyone listing to every breath?
We live a dying dream, this is our dying dream
One last chance
With every breath
We live a dying dream