losing sanity;

this rapid moving illness is getting the best of me,
i am struggling to even right this post before your eyes without making embarrasing errors.

i've been desiring to right this post all day but i've just been so sick.

during the day, waking up with nobody home, laying there an hour because i couldnt move, with the television on sbs, a low boring volume. and i already know dad has been here. not mum, i havent seen her since she left this morning while i was asleep. i only know it was then because she never cares if i am asleep, even when i am sick, banging plates, doors and yelling to dad or my brother. it's now 9:45, she hasn't bothered contacting us, too busy living a double life coming off her facebook, out partying, dating people most likely younger and more succesful than her, a seperate gold-digger like lifestyle.

i had an extrememly hot bath lying there until the bubble-bath turned to hot suds resembeling a milk bath,

today was strange, i believed everything i read, heard and saw, was a sign to me. for examples:

i was playing with the water in the bath with my finger and it seemed like everytime id flick the ~milk~ it would turn into arrows, pointing to my boobs, and lately.. i've been questioning if it is worth loosing weight, becoming thin as i have desired, loosing my breasts, i felt like this told me i am keeping them.

and again,

after my bath i was laying there, naked, but i felt so warm, not sweating, like suana warm, like someone was ontop of me, cuddling me tightly, that i feel is a sign, i do need someone.

and,

after munching down on a few asperin, i went looking for some food because i basically hadnt eaten all day, thinking this would most likely help the fact i virtually felt like passing out all day, but there was nothing.

i layed out rapped in my giant white doona on the lino, tearing up, staring upwards, feeling faint, then seeing a white light, it was downlight on the roof of my kitchen, i couldn't sleep, but i was so tired, i stared at that downlight because it felt it was the only thing keeping me amused while i cannot move. i played with my sight for a good 40 minutes, noticing if you stare at it for long enough, your eyes start playing up, i was blinking with one eye, the light faded in and out, a light to dark pink. i started to pass out, and halucinating that that strong white light was my coming death. i looked down across the floor and saw a pumpkin, it had a face and started talking too me, at this time, i KNEW this was serious.

also, another wierd part of today, on four occasions, i would look at clocks, and everytime i looked, it was exactly on the time, 12.00pm, 1:00pm, 4:00pm and 9:00pm.


and beau, if your reading, your call, made my day.