forgiveness, the enviable trait.

fuck, i just want to be out of here.

this is in no way fair, it never will be.

recent discoveries,

things i've found recently that rule,



and this band, the bloody beetroots, fuck i just love everything,
their music/style/video's.

overwhelmed.

so, by the end of next week i must decide the followings of my academic future for 2010/11, which also entails the decision of campus and where i am going to be living.

something that has been wondering through my head for a while and it's finally time to take the plunge.

decisions, decisions.

i suppose it would be a wise idea to go the old "pro's and con's" resolution.

Pro's of living in sydney
-Better facilities for graphic design students.
-Alot more job opportunities, during but mostly when i finish advanced diploma.
-I just love sydney in general, when you arn't kicking me out/banning me from your clubs.
-Hopefully the gaining of financial independence by not living with my family.
-Not living in such a fucked up situation at home, being tossed around with divorce/finance/solicitation issues.
-Not having to be defined to one matchbox room to show my individuality/room design.
-Not having to wear socks all the time when im in the house to hide my tattoo's.

Con's of living in sydney and out of home
-I won't have someone to rely on cleaning up after me so much, haha.
-Chances are that i'll always be asking my parents for money anyway.
-Im scared that because my mum is taking so much from my dad including custody of my little brother and taking the dog, that he will be lonely without me.

I'm just way too worried, about next year. So many changes are happening, my bestfriends are moving, my parents are splitting and selling the house, i'll be moving out, i'll be turning eighteen.

It's just all too daunting.

fuck.

just like this laptop i type on i am getting so tired and overheated, turning myself off whenever i please.

~

i dont know where you are getting all this information from but i sure do know it's a cheat. your putting on to be so intellegent, you did standard english and yet you are always asking me the definition of such simple words and i read what you write and it puts me in the clouds.

copy and paste, what a decieving tool.

this has to be more than nothing,

you've got me right under your finger.

i am fascinated in you but not as you are towards me,
laying there looking up at your old ceiling, your bookshelf and bands that are too obseliete for me to know about.

you've gotten the little hints that i need more than what you want to give,
my affectionate ways fase you, i'm attracted to our differences,
between what's physical and what's emotion seperates us.

attraction without attention will tear whatever this is, far apart.

two faced bastard.

you make me sick to my stomach.

i don't know why you pretend to care about me so much,
everything you do is upon act of desperation, trying to make me love you again.

talking about me behind closed doors isn't doing you any good hunny,
especially talking to my ex's and past relations, because they actually do care about me and actually give a fuck what your babbeling on about me?

i watched and experience you standing on your high horse to my other ex boyfriend,
acting as though you knew everything about me and what i do and don't like, which i might as well mention i was getting with him at that point, he knows me better than you ever have and ever will.

keep your tounge tied for now before shit gets serious,
thanks alot.

fearing the future,

my two favorite girls in the entire world are going outerstate/country for the rest of the year and periodically through next year. i think i am more nervous than you, how am i going to survive without you two!

i guess i'll just have to do something similar,
i'm looking at places in sydney to shift my life over a few hours south, i just hope it happens soon.

if loving me is wrong,

then god damn do it right.

ignorance,

i'm finding it hard to tell you how i feel about you lately,
i don't know how to talk to you anymore because i feel so intimidated by you.

so hestitant and delicate with what i say to you because everything is processed so fast and usually im disagreed with, i'm treading on egg shells.

how will you succeed in life if you cannot listen, you don't like everybody else's different point of views and think because you feel so much as though your the cream of the crop that your opinion matters most.

your always talking about yourself and people i don't know, but you seem to think i should.

this aggrivates me profusely, and though i have left your name out of this, i really needed to vent it out somewhere.

as afraid of living as i am of dying,

i dont know how to describe how i feel.

my entire life keeps flashing though my head as if my brains trying to remind itself something, like i am dying slowely, suffering something worse than that apparent white flash as your heading towards heaven.

i am so scared of leaving this house, but then again living here in this fucked up situation and enviroment is turning everyone insane, especially me.

so sick of imagining and wanting more than what i have had for so long.
i live in a fucking wonderland, wondering where im going, what im doing and never doing what i wonder. imagining a life that in no way resembles mine but then waking up to the same fucking thing. every fucking day, every fucking year.

28/09/08

when i made that big mistake and lost you.

5:42am

what keeps waking me up at such inconvenient times in the night.

i am so embarrased by friday nights happenings,
nobody was even really drinking but yet i still persited to get discustingly drunk.

i don't even want to type some of the embarrasing things i did, let's just say the night resulted in me recieving the name "vomitron"

it had been a long time since i had been proper drunk and i don't know why i chose such a lonely night with just a few people to show that discusting side of me, that doesn't show who i really am remotely. i guess i just took the chance because i have been dissapointed so much lately i just wanted to drink so i wouldn't feel depressed.

clicking in;

finally, some reassurance my life is falling together again.

tommorow it will be a whole week i have gone without one single drag of a ciggarette, i've had huge cravings and everytime i see a packet in a strangers hands, see a handful of buds in a gutter, have my morning tea or coffee that i was so used to accompaning with a b&h red, i can control myself. i don't think i've ever been so proud of myself, physically. i did this mostly for my dad, on monday night while driving me to the train station to head to sydney he told me he spotted me smoking with glenn last week and even though he didnt make such a big deal about it i know deep down it hurt him, and i love him more than any family member, daddy's girl. he explained how he heard a song about cancer on the radio that day and it reminded him of when his mother died, him being at the rare age of nine didn't really understand what was happening and she was flown from western australia over to melbourne to get treatment for breast cancer. he told me how upset he was about never being able to have that last goodbye because the doctors never told the family she was on life-support, i felt so much sorrow and guilt that i had kept from him that i had been smoking regularly since april 08, but in restrospect, it gave me alot more will power to finally stop before this tar in my lungs did too much damage.

i havent dug into my bank account or got any cashout of my savings account in as long as i can remember, this will help when i look for my car.

i've sold the red c-rolla today also $2,800.
and i've sold the playstation 2, $80. which is shortly going to be replaced with an xbox 360.

i cleaned out my desk and wardrobe today, nice and hygenic now.

also got to see jack on monday which was lovely even though it wasn't long enough, always makes up from being in another state the rest of the time.

i don't think i've wrote about it yet, but also on monday i experienced my first tattoo, probably not the best choice for my first one considering the intense pain of feet tattoo's, but i love it and i cant wait to get the other done so i can be symetrical again, haha.

im so happy at the moment, i love my friends, i love my job, i love my family.

im cleaning out my life and it feels so good.

cats whiskers~

when i say your ugly it means i think you look cute,
when i say stop being so mean it means i just want to sook so you'll comfort me,
when i say lets spoon it means turn around so i can just hold you,

when i say i hate you, i mean i love you.

from little things, big things grow.

i have spent the last two days laying around watching copious amounts of dexter, in my last two paychecks i have bought all three seasons and that's alot of footage.

so much episodes that it's making me want to kill someone, not really, haha.

although, jealousy's curse has arrisen from the depths, i'm sick of people showing so much attention to me and then going onto others, knowing all too well how it is going to affect me. especially when they move onto my friends, well friends not so much annoys me, more the aquantinces, no.. people i know fairly well but im not friends with, people that live in my vicinity. just doing your rounds in that area while you still can, huh.

gosh is there something deeply wrong with me for always feeling like this?

too much hope, time wasted.

somewhere that never failed to make me happy simply from it's own being has slowely but surely lost it's vital vibe that i needed to have hope, my place to escape.

i'm still finding it hard to believe that last night i walked through the city balling my eyes out and not one person turned a head, and when i layed there in the dark smoking my last cigarettes, a twenty one year old stranger approached me asking why i was upset then started harrasing me, judging me and discriminating me for being seventeen, trying to tell me who the fuck i am, a complete stranger, what a fucked up place.

i get too much hope, too much nerve and faith in people and things that used to always make me happy, constantly getting dissapointed, and for what?