today i started a new medication to help me stay awake,
its an anti depressant but is mixed with an adrenaline chemical.
hopefully it will shed some light on the path i plan to take, the rest of the year and two thousand and ten.
things i plan on getting done:
-firstly, get this giant burden, massive workload of interior design work completed.
-make a new resume, hand them out, hope for the best.
-stop digging into my youthsaver account thats meant to be for my car.
-book in my feet and wrists for ink.
-look into where i can get higher qualifications in graphic design in sydney.
-buy a new ipod, haven't had one in over a year when it got stolen!
-look into where i can/who i can stay with next year when i move to sydney.
-10 hours left on my provisional plates.
feeling hopeful!
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
lonesome.
hmm, my holidays have been so miserable, depressing even.
now i think of it, i think i have done about two fun things. over four weeks.
going places just doesn't seem to have a kick in it anymore.
life.. doesn't seem to have a kick in it anymore.
i hardly go out anymore and it's rare i get to make good memories.
i don't usually say this in all seriousness but i actually feel like if i had the chance i would want to go back in time.
to the times where i was known for sneaking out of your house at random times in the night while everyone layed asleep or before you woke up. because i was some crazy insomniac.
nowadays, that's all i do.
sleep away my life, waiting for something that might not ever come.
longing for something good to happen in my life
/wine
now i think of it, i think i have done about two fun things. over four weeks.
going places just doesn't seem to have a kick in it anymore.
life.. doesn't seem to have a kick in it anymore.
i hardly go out anymore and it's rare i get to make good memories.
i don't usually say this in all seriousness but i actually feel like if i had the chance i would want to go back in time.
to the times where i was known for sneaking out of your house at random times in the night while everyone layed asleep or before you woke up. because i was some crazy insomniac.
nowadays, that's all i do.
sleep away my life, waiting for something that might not ever come.
longing for something good to happen in my life
/wine
Friday, July 17, 2009
hello.
sorry i haven't kept in touch with you ever listening blog of mine, i supposed i've just been a little too consumed in other things. can't exactly say to busy actually having a life but more interested in things other than what the internet has to offer.
i haven't been going out as much any more really, i think the ever occurence that i get stuck in the wrong places at the wrong times has scared me off a little too much, and that it's a mother fucking cold winter. it's rarely worth going out then finding at some point you are so cold, you dont want to move, your head and bones are so tense they feel heavy. i don't have much desire for that. looking forward to springtime.
i'm further questioning whether my last minute self commitment is worth it,
keeping my heart and body strictly under lock and key.
i'll be classified adult soon, your only young once.
too much is going through my head at the moment.
i'm sick of feeling so fucking lazy, i need inspiration. i think i'm having that late teen crisis where your meant to be near finishing your hsc, which is what i really should be doing but school got the best of me last year, i'm meant to be having that "what the hell am i going to do now", "what, who, and where am i going to be" a little belated on my part. but i think for me it's even worse, i've slacked off over half the year, i haven't finished anything academically; and now, it's finally caught up to me, and im so fucking down.
i'll say this and it's all i can say in honesty,
i'll write this before my eyes, complain to myself and whomever may be passing their sorry eyes over my self inflicted panic attack, plea. i know what i've done is wrong, but i know i won't do anything about it. i'm so friggen lazy. i could be so much more if i was that little bit more inspired, if my fatigue didn't soak into what could have been the best of me.
how can anyone help me if i can't even help myself.
i'm sick of being a phycological mess caught up in a life off regret, wasted time.
i spend three quarters of my life asleep, i don't want to be a teenager anymore, it makes me feel useless, it makes me lazy, i have next to no immune system left and without a spoonfull of pharmacuticals i don't think i could take myself out of this house.
im not dead, but who could call this a life?
i haven't been going out as much any more really, i think the ever occurence that i get stuck in the wrong places at the wrong times has scared me off a little too much, and that it's a mother fucking cold winter. it's rarely worth going out then finding at some point you are so cold, you dont want to move, your head and bones are so tense they feel heavy. i don't have much desire for that. looking forward to springtime.
i'm further questioning whether my last minute self commitment is worth it,
keeping my heart and body strictly under lock and key.
i'll be classified adult soon, your only young once.
too much is going through my head at the moment.
i'm sick of feeling so fucking lazy, i need inspiration. i think i'm having that late teen crisis where your meant to be near finishing your hsc, which is what i really should be doing but school got the best of me last year, i'm meant to be having that "what the hell am i going to do now", "what, who, and where am i going to be" a little belated on my part. but i think for me it's even worse, i've slacked off over half the year, i haven't finished anything academically; and now, it's finally caught up to me, and im so fucking down.
i'll say this and it's all i can say in honesty,
i'll write this before my eyes, complain to myself and whomever may be passing their sorry eyes over my self inflicted panic attack, plea. i know what i've done is wrong, but i know i won't do anything about it. i'm so friggen lazy. i could be so much more if i was that little bit more inspired, if my fatigue didn't soak into what could have been the best of me.
how can anyone help me if i can't even help myself.
i'm sick of being a phycological mess caught up in a life off regret, wasted time.
i spend three quarters of my life asleep, i don't want to be a teenager anymore, it makes me feel useless, it makes me lazy, i have next to no immune system left and without a spoonfull of pharmacuticals i don't think i could take myself out of this house.
im not dead, but who could call this a life?
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
if there is a god,
why hasn't he blessed me with a heart of stone.
i just want to learn to love.
not for one second can i imagine a retraction,
how much longer can we take beauty for granted?
we've a lack of reason, an absence of passion,
we're without clarity, in a world of empty vision and
i doubt there's a better place for anyone until we learn love~
i just want to learn to love.
not for one second can i imagine a retraction,
how much longer can we take beauty for granted?
we've a lack of reason, an absence of passion,
we're without clarity, in a world of empty vision and
i doubt there's a better place for anyone until we learn love~
Monday, July 13, 2009
delicate faces~
im not really going to bother blogging about my entire weekend because it wasn't all interesting.
last night was fairly good i guess, wait, nah.
i don't exactly know.
it all went to fast, sped before my eyes before i had the time to realise if i was enjoying myself and the company of those around me. good, i suppose.
close to the end of the night, i went to the bathroom and found this poor guy by himself gagging, laying in the bath, i started talking to him and asking questions, trying to get him to throw up and giving him water.
i asked him why he had drank so heavily and he breifly explained to me that his parents were divorcing after a 20 year marriage, apparently his mum had left. i explained i knew what he was going through, my parents seperated a 16 year marriage too, even if it wasn't recently.
i felt so much better helping this guy from passing out in his own body fluids, rather than aimlessly, drunkely wondering around.
on another note,
i am not a: lost cause, fucked for life, no hoper.
your blog is a complete joke, your lyrics are just annoying, the way you match things together to make them rhyme but then the verses make no common sense.
your twenty years old but you make really embarrasing spelling errors, right about a girl you dated almost six months ago, and think your some musical genious that deserves to live their life in a recording studio.
if i want to ~fuk my self~, then that is my choice,
if you love me, fucking let me go.
last night was fairly good i guess, wait, nah.
i don't exactly know.
it all went to fast, sped before my eyes before i had the time to realise if i was enjoying myself and the company of those around me. good, i suppose.
close to the end of the night, i went to the bathroom and found this poor guy by himself gagging, laying in the bath, i started talking to him and asking questions, trying to get him to throw up and giving him water.
i asked him why he had drank so heavily and he breifly explained to me that his parents were divorcing after a 20 year marriage, apparently his mum had left. i explained i knew what he was going through, my parents seperated a 16 year marriage too, even if it wasn't recently.
i felt so much better helping this guy from passing out in his own body fluids, rather than aimlessly, drunkely wondering around.
on another note,
i am not a: lost cause, fucked for life, no hoper.
your blog is a complete joke, your lyrics are just annoying, the way you match things together to make them rhyme but then the verses make no common sense.
your twenty years old but you make really embarrasing spelling errors, right about a girl you dated almost six months ago, and think your some musical genious that deserves to live their life in a recording studio.
if i want to ~fuk my self~, then that is my choice,
if you love me, fucking let me go.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
losing sanity;
this rapid moving illness is getting the best of me,
i am struggling to even right this post before your eyes without making embarrasing errors.
i've been desiring to right this post all day but i've just been so sick.
during the day, waking up with nobody home, laying there an hour because i couldnt move, with the television on sbs, a low boring volume. and i already know dad has been here. not mum, i havent seen her since she left this morning while i was asleep. i only know it was then because she never cares if i am asleep, even when i am sick, banging plates, doors and yelling to dad or my brother. it's now 9:45, she hasn't bothered contacting us, too busy living a double life coming off her facebook, out partying, dating people most likely younger and more succesful than her, a seperate gold-digger like lifestyle.
i had an extrememly hot bath lying there until the bubble-bath turned to hot suds resembeling a milk bath,
today was strange, i believed everything i read, heard and saw, was a sign to me. for examples:
i was playing with the water in the bath with my finger and it seemed like everytime id flick the ~milk~ it would turn into arrows, pointing to my boobs, and lately.. i've been questioning if it is worth loosing weight, becoming thin as i have desired, loosing my breasts, i felt like this told me i am keeping them.
and again,
after my bath i was laying there, naked, but i felt so warm, not sweating, like suana warm, like someone was ontop of me, cuddling me tightly, that i feel is a sign, i do need someone.
and,
after munching down on a few asperin, i went looking for some food because i basically hadnt eaten all day, thinking this would most likely help the fact i virtually felt like passing out all day, but there was nothing.
i layed out rapped in my giant white doona on the lino, tearing up, staring upwards, feeling faint, then seeing a white light, it was downlight on the roof of my kitchen, i couldn't sleep, but i was so tired, i stared at that downlight because it felt it was the only thing keeping me amused while i cannot move. i played with my sight for a good 40 minutes, noticing if you stare at it for long enough, your eyes start playing up, i was blinking with one eye, the light faded in and out, a light to dark pink. i started to pass out, and halucinating that that strong white light was my coming death. i looked down across the floor and saw a pumpkin, it had a face and started talking too me, at this time, i KNEW this was serious.
also, another wierd part of today, on four occasions, i would look at clocks, and everytime i looked, it was exactly on the time, 12.00pm, 1:00pm, 4:00pm and 9:00pm.
and beau, if your reading, your call, made my day.
i am struggling to even right this post before your eyes without making embarrasing errors.
i've been desiring to right this post all day but i've just been so sick.
during the day, waking up with nobody home, laying there an hour because i couldnt move, with the television on sbs, a low boring volume. and i already know dad has been here. not mum, i havent seen her since she left this morning while i was asleep. i only know it was then because she never cares if i am asleep, even when i am sick, banging plates, doors and yelling to dad or my brother. it's now 9:45, she hasn't bothered contacting us, too busy living a double life coming off her facebook, out partying, dating people most likely younger and more succesful than her, a seperate gold-digger like lifestyle.
i had an extrememly hot bath lying there until the bubble-bath turned to hot suds resembeling a milk bath,
today was strange, i believed everything i read, heard and saw, was a sign to me. for examples:
i was playing with the water in the bath with my finger and it seemed like everytime id flick the ~milk~ it would turn into arrows, pointing to my boobs, and lately.. i've been questioning if it is worth loosing weight, becoming thin as i have desired, loosing my breasts, i felt like this told me i am keeping them.
and again,
after my bath i was laying there, naked, but i felt so warm, not sweating, like suana warm, like someone was ontop of me, cuddling me tightly, that i feel is a sign, i do need someone.
and,
after munching down on a few asperin, i went looking for some food because i basically hadnt eaten all day, thinking this would most likely help the fact i virtually felt like passing out all day, but there was nothing.
i layed out rapped in my giant white doona on the lino, tearing up, staring upwards, feeling faint, then seeing a white light, it was downlight on the roof of my kitchen, i couldn't sleep, but i was so tired, i stared at that downlight because it felt it was the only thing keeping me amused while i cannot move. i played with my sight for a good 40 minutes, noticing if you stare at it for long enough, your eyes start playing up, i was blinking with one eye, the light faded in and out, a light to dark pink. i started to pass out, and halucinating that that strong white light was my coming death. i looked down across the floor and saw a pumpkin, it had a face and started talking too me, at this time, i KNEW this was serious.
also, another wierd part of today, on four occasions, i would look at clocks, and everytime i looked, it was exactly on the time, 12.00pm, 1:00pm, 4:00pm and 9:00pm.
and beau, if your reading, your call, made my day.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
anyone but me,
briefly going over my posts, after feeling a certain insecurity everytime i post the link to my blog on myspace, thinking over who is online and may or may not be reading.
i'm ready for a change, so sick of all this hatrid i harbour.
time to build some new walls to what defines myself;
and tear down some old ones.
today is the start of-
*new healthier diet, due to the fact i have put on alot of weight due to taking advantage of getting so many discounts and stolen vouchers from work.
*more focused look on work and assesments rather than all play.
*putting more money into my debit account towards my car, since i want something rather ~expensive~
*looking for a new job, as probably a secretary.
today is the finish of-
*frittering away my saved money for my car on alchohol, binge eating and most of all BUYING OTHER PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT and OTHER people's petrol money.
*sex with people that i am not in a close~semi~relationship with.
*traveling far places by myself, and also trying to get into clubs.
anyway i need to get ready for work now, will probably post more later, lurkers.
x
i'm ready for a change, so sick of all this hatrid i harbour.
time to build some new walls to what defines myself;
and tear down some old ones.
today is the start of-
*new healthier diet, due to the fact i have put on alot of weight due to taking advantage of getting so many discounts and stolen vouchers from work.
*more focused look on work and assesments rather than all play.
*putting more money into my debit account towards my car, since i want something rather ~expensive~
*looking for a new job, as probably a secretary.
today is the finish of-
*frittering away my saved money for my car on alchohol, binge eating and most of all BUYING OTHER PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT and OTHER people's petrol money.
*sex with people that i am not in a close~semi~relationship with.
*traveling far places by myself, and also trying to get into clubs.
anyway i need to get ready for work now, will probably post more later, lurkers.
x
Monday, July 6, 2009
out of tact.
why does it feel as though people have to make me feel so low of myself,
do i need to tuck myself away to feel like a regular girl?
if anyone makes me feel like this again, well, that's exactly what i'll do.
do i need to tuck myself away to feel like a regular girl?
if anyone makes me feel like this again, well, that's exactly what i'll do.
just to cope~
my god, what a fucking boring week.
nothing's really changed now i read over my last post..
had a preeetty eventful friday night, taking a really long train trip to sydney to stay with dan dwyer, i was really exited but then found out that he was going out with his adelaide friends, only saw him for about an hour, and took a three hour train.
but things looked up,
i got really drunk in the city waiting for my train to ingleburn,
got on, the train was empty as, so i lit up a smoke and met this nice black lad, hahahaha.
partied into the early hours with corey castles and some other familiar faces, threw up all over this strangers house, even when i was passed out, hmmm. then on the train back in the morning, threw up everywhere too, just alcohol and stomach acids, fun.
i missed out on josh magonies nineteenth birthday which i have not stopped hearing about for the last two days straight, apparently it was really good, really dissapointed in myself.
i really want to move out and i really want my license.
nothing is looking up, nothing.
nothing's really changed now i read over my last post..
had a preeetty eventful friday night, taking a really long train trip to sydney to stay with dan dwyer, i was really exited but then found out that he was going out with his adelaide friends, only saw him for about an hour, and took a three hour train.
but things looked up,
i got really drunk in the city waiting for my train to ingleburn,
got on, the train was empty as, so i lit up a smoke and met this nice black lad, hahahaha.
partied into the early hours with corey castles and some other familiar faces, threw up all over this strangers house, even when i was passed out, hmmm. then on the train back in the morning, threw up everywhere too, just alcohol and stomach acids, fun.
i missed out on josh magonies nineteenth birthday which i have not stopped hearing about for the last two days straight, apparently it was really good, really dissapointed in myself.
i really want to move out and i really want my license.
nothing is looking up, nothing.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
misery~
i still feel so miserable,
i haven't brung myself out of my bed to do anything important for days, because i am not an important person.
i want to finish up what defines my life at the moment, my joke of a job, my extremely overpriced now feeling pointless tafe course and stop ignoring all the meaningless sex.
although i've said this,
i went through these things i had from when i was going to the phcyiatrist.
this made me think;
shed your fault finding tendencies,
know that you are the creator of your life and that loving presence within you. you abilty to be self reliant will overtake your habit of assigning blame.
i haven't brung myself out of my bed to do anything important for days, because i am not an important person.
i want to finish up what defines my life at the moment, my joke of a job, my extremely overpriced now feeling pointless tafe course and stop ignoring all the meaningless sex.
although i've said this,
i went through these things i had from when i was going to the phcyiatrist.
this made me think;
shed your fault finding tendencies,
know that you are the creator of your life and that loving presence within you. you abilty to be self reliant will overtake your habit of assigning blame.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
little white lies behind hazel eyes~
i don't know how i can still feel so protective.
i mean i was so happy, i felt like myself, a little exited aswell, then someone had to ruin it, bring me to the point blank where i couldn't seem to smile towards a friendly stranger, even pull something less than a dreary blank face.
i don't think i'll ever be able to safely say i can ignore this, words can't explain how much you will always mean to me; have a soft spot in my hopeless heart.
i mean i was so happy, i felt like myself, a little exited aswell, then someone had to ruin it, bring me to the point blank where i couldn't seem to smile towards a friendly stranger, even pull something less than a dreary blank face.
i don't think i'll ever be able to safely say i can ignore this, words can't explain how much you will always mean to me; have a soft spot in my hopeless heart.
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