refusing heart.

where did you misplace your understanding?

~

so last night was brendan's eighteenth,
i suppose you could say it was an ~interesting~ night,
with little fun patches.

i thought it was pretty rough, but expected, fights between rivals of the gate-crashing southern-cross, dickies, and over-done car types, and the scene or as they referred us as "emo's"

like all house parties it got to the part where things just got over the top and out of hand, uncontrollable.

adding to the overflowing list of things i hate,
-the concept of "sloppy seconds"
-the realization of you not knowing my unspoken truths.
-still living at home, feeling so unresponsible and dependent.

in other news,
r.i.p beautiful forever adored nose-ring, i will miss you.
work sucks a fat one.

numb

i hate myself to say this but this song pretty much somes up how i have felt the last two days, between two close people to me, like wow.

i'm tired of being what you want me to be
feeling so faithless
lost under the surface
i don't know what you're expecting of me
put under the pressure
of walking in your shoes
[caught in the undertow / just caught in the undertow]
every step that i take is another mistake to you

i've
become so numb
i can't feel you there
become so tired
so much more aware
i'm becoming this
all i want to do
is be more like me
and be less like you

can't you see that you're smothering me
holding too tightly
afraid to lose control
cause everything that you thought i would be
has fallen apart right in front of you

[caught in the undertow / just caught in the undertow]
every step that i take is another mistake to you
[caught in the undertow / just caught in the undertow]
and every second i waste is more than i can take

but i know
i may end up failing too
but i know
you were just like me
with someone disappointed in you

top notch day

events:

-wake up at 10am to my phone ringing and an email from beau at 2am saying he had been in some hectic fight.

-sit online for a while to try and wake up a little, which was actually good.
( (L) tom buxton + brendan craig (L) )

-went for a shower.

-decided to take my nose ring out to put the clear one in for work.
-clear one slips out, so i try putting the metal one back in, but its too windy and i cant put it back in.

-mum starts RAGING at me because i used the sandwhich press and didnt clean it up instantly, obviously its going to be scolding hot until it cools down, then because there was salt on the table she told me to clean the loungeroom (it was spotless)

-i had to rush into town and get my nose ring put back through (turns out i needed it re-pierced after taking it out for half an hour)

-got home at 5 to four, checked my metime, turns out im working at 4pm instead of 5pm, RUSH TO WORK, then an hour later my manager trent says i either take it out or clock off, so fuck it, i clocked off. good fucking luck finding someone to cover for the next three days cunts.

i am so angry, i would have had so much money next thursday.
but i like my nose too much.

fuck!

flower by kenzo

mmm bought a gift pack with the perfume and shower cream, smells soooo gooooood.

today i spent the entire day by myself, went to westfield to buy that perfume, then intown to buy 8mm spacers, but turns out they are still to ~rare~ and scabby to go through, i want to be able to sleep on them.

tommorow i am going to sydney with jeorga to hang with edgil and maybe aaron, then saturday working & brendans eighteenth. sunday going for a long drive with leesnack to get my hours upp, weeeeeeeeeeeee :)!

everything you love, fucking dies.

in the last, three days or so, my moods have been in and out more than a whore's bottom half.

alot i feel has been happening as i ride this emotional rollercoaster they call mild bipolar. i've changed my mind alot on things, finally figured out some vital decisions, that only lead to more questions.

i felt overwhelmably happy, highly stimulated last night, until about 3am, like everything was just magnificant, my life was infact complete and i wanted to share my happiness. then the comedown, it may have been caused by sleep deprevation because afterwards i found myself dosed off within six minutes until i recieved an email.

i find im in that situation alot.


tonight i have broken free,
the lonely are alone again.

and i can't tell how i feel, because nothing seems real.

fear

i have not felt so much fear towards hearing one word today,
this time it's not "love".

adventure!

I GOT MY HIPTOP BACK YAYAYAYAY, hahaha.
so i'll start with friday.

bekk came over and we were trying to find somewhere to have bilson, but then ended up hiking our way through the terrenchal rains and heavy wind to brendan harris's house in caves beach. got tipsy and had funny conversations with brendans dad, hahaha.

then saturday hmm, good and bad, predominatly good.

went to "thy art is murder" at the cambridge, practically every human in newcastle i know exept for jeorga and lala were there, sooo good.

then me and bekk adventured to sydney at seven-thirty.

we found our coast friends on the train and hung out,
while i watched ~someone~ try to have a private conversation about me via phone passing, i mean honestlyyy.

moorey also joined us at cockle creek, made it alot more fun(ny).

got into trash at about 1am then the slart at the counter took off with my credit card i told her to mind. oh well.

i had smuggled in the rest of my vodka somehow (wow, considering all the precautions the club takes). i tried drinking really heavily but it made me nautious, ended up getting there, for a while haha.

got so sick of it, but fuck it was good seeing all the syd kids again.
then we left at about 3:30 (guesstimation) and went back to dre and pandas house,
got about 3 hours sleep then me and moorey had to walk to the bus stop (parramatta has like 1 bus stop in the whole city i swear). had a big nap on the train and got home at 430 or some ridiclus time in the day. fun/different weekend :)!

nose piercing.

slept in until about twelve today,
then went to uni to study up on my architecture assignment,
i was only there for about, half an hour if that because i realised that most of the project was really done.

so i waited for a bus into town to get my nose done, got on the 104, it went through waratah with all the ratty school children, then mayfield, through to carrington, then when we were at the bus stop near guy newmans house, this old man slipped on his way onto the bus, he looked okay, but then everyone crowded around, the bus driver called an ambulance and told us we needed to wait for another bus to come. so i thought fuck it, ill walk, i walked back to mayfield and caught a bus into hunter street, this took me over an hour to get back to town, when it should take around 20.

i got my nose done and went home,

today was the first day of my quest, to become what i want to be.

indecisive.

so torn between the lives i could be living,
my motivation to forfill dreams never gets filled,
nobody ever wants to understand the life i want to live,
i wish you had the ear to listen.

i have no love to give,
i have so many tears left to shed,
that will be what i have to offer you, and for that i am sorry.

i dont want anything to matter, but it does.
never ending hope is what compels you,

and if there is a god,
why hasn't he blessed me with a heart of stone,
to keep me sane, to hold me back from your pain.

peppermint tea,

mmm yummy, had a pretty long day.
peppermint tea and a marlboro gold gaaa, best ever.

worked 5 hours with my lifetime bestfriend susan, makes work abit more fun.
jorja got her p's today and they popped in when i was finishing, was so good seeing them. it rained sooo hard when we got in newcastle then found out diabolik was closed so i had to push my spacers back through myself, luccckkky.

i really miss sydney and i want to go back, havent been there in about two and a half weeks, hopefully i'll make my way there on friday with bekk.

hmm, today was good, i am content,
well... with most things i suppose.


find faith within yourself,
live life for someone true,
dont ever waste your dreams,
love like you cant explain.

nightmare or dream?

i just woke up from the most bizarre dream,

it starts out, i was thinking about maybe buying tickets online for a trip overseas to the u.s with this class i was in, not that i'm in school anymore. anyway i purchased the ticket and was going to "suprise" my parents by telling them i was going on a holiday (foolish?). and then all of a sudden i woke up, it was 9am, and i was in some motel room in america. i stressed out, not knowing how i got there because i don't rememeber anything between the day of buying that ticket and getting to america. i didnt have a phone (hello that is already a nightmare i am living), so i couldnt ring my parents to tell them or ask them what the fuck was happening.

i went to the reception and asked where a few of the students where in my class because i only knew a few names, apparently they went out already.

over the road was a massive "mall" and i went over there to find a shop where i could make overseas calls, i found one, but they could only connect it through mobiles. this guy, about the same age as me was next to me and let me borrow his phone, the charges were something ridiculus like $30 for 10minutes but i was so out of it, i needed to get somewhere.

i called my mum, and my older sister (?) answered the phone, i asked her if i could speak to mum or dad and she said they arnt there, she told me how frantic they both were because they didnt know where i was, i explained i was in america, how i didnt know how i got there and wasn't sure if i had a return ticket home. i had one backpack full of stuff that didnt even look to be mine. i rumagged through the front pocket and found a large receipt saying i have a return flight in 6 days, my sister passed the phone to dad, he began yelling and asking how the hell did i get to america, was i passed out or druged. i didn't feel as though it was either, but that led to even more paranoia.

i decided to go back to the motel and wait for my class to come back, when i got back they were there, i felt so much relief, bursting out question by question as to what had happened the last couple of days, but they ignored me.

i remembered years and years ago (2005-6) i met these two boys online, chris and eric, (this is actually a fact) they were fifteen and i was thirteen when we met, i became really close friends with them both, so i decided to go online and try contact them.

there were some computers downstairs with internet avaliable,
i went down there and got on a computer,
added their addresses onto my new msn account,
chris was online, he was so suprised to be talking to me and i started rambeling on about what had happened, he asked where i was, turns out i was in his state (michigan), he told me how to get to his house. i caught this bus that took about 2 hours to get there. i arrived outside his house and he gave me a big hug, remarking on how wierd my accent was. we went inside and he put some heaps metal music on really loud and we walked up his stairs, he came up behind me and hugged me really tight again, then some asian chick around 22, appeared and took chris in a room, i followed him but then she shut the door on my face, i waited 10 minutes then knocked on the door, he peered out the door and told me he would see me later, half naked. i stressed out, i was lost on how to get back to the motel, i went across this little field into the rest of suburbia, i found a bus-stop, got on the next bus and somehow made my way back to the motel.

days passed all of a sudden and it was time to depart the u.s,
i went to the airport and got on the plane home.

i got home and explained everything that happened, it was all fine.
then got on myspace and put in my name [BACK FROM THE U.S] hahahaha.

and yeah, pretty sure i could make a book with how much i have wrote nowww,
theeee enddddd.

so fucking cold.

frozen.

hmm it's so gay how the majority of my friends have made skateboarding a trend, within like two weeks you consider it your main hobbie. i was learning to skate almost everyday for a year in 2007 and even then i still wasn't good.
its always got to be something hey.

it's still telling everyone of your either, sleep deprevation or napping. i suppose people of our age are like that though, we are a nocternal type, but whatever.

so i ended up going out last night,
was okay,
but that's the last time i go to a party at jess's (diabolik)
sitting there awquardly with people i don't know and don't seem to like me for no good reason, because they can. gay.

the only nice bit is being on the roof, overlooking newcastle at night.

tom:hey look at that, those star looking things are moving. looks like the southern cross is relocating

beau:what the fuck are those dickie cunts going to get tattooed on their bodies now?

tom:the two left i guess

hahahahaha

fucking lame.

what a fucking shit weekend,
i havent had a drop of booze since wednesday night which was hardly anything to count. all i have done is slept, worked and told myself i need to finish my assesments, but never gotten around to it.

there are things avaliable to do tonight,
but like everything else, i am losing interest.

i have lost hope in the things i enjoyed the most during my week,
hot damn of a thursday for example, looks like that's not happening for the next, roughly nine months.

i feel like everything looks so boring, i am free to go out but do i want to go?

i have felt bound for months, barred away. let me go.



goodbye fun times

beautiful.

i love this song, it's so good just to think about things to.
appresh
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nL49yZNE4yk


as the sea breeze hits my lungs, it takes me back to where i belong

busy week.

i dont really know where to start,

i think the thing im most thrilled on at this second is i just checked my online paychecks, looks like i have $80+ dollars in the bank (plus $50+ in my purse). to alot of people that would be petty but it will keep me happy for the coming weekend, hopefully i will buy something of a more permenant existance and not all on drugs and or alcohol.

the last two days where pretty fun i rekon, sure they could have been better e.g jeorga not getting kicked out by the growing sums of sumoan/tongan/phillipino buff/fat security guards. drinking more than one peach vodka and a corona (atleast they were free/payed for, haha).

i had alot of fun hanging with my bestfriend, attempting to scab free piercings/spacers off our favorite tattoo and piercing shop diabolik, with matt, spacing ears (and further for me), visiting our favorite lovely gay bar-tender, giving personalities to random people passing by below the apartment, rolling around in blankets, furious napping, eating long craved pumpkin soup and numourous hours of hardcore lurking.

onto another subject

i really really really want to move out, i just crave the freedom, resbonsibitly and peace that i don't get at home. i can completely eradicate the everyday moaning and groaning of my mum wossing on about all these different pharmacuticals and vitamins, her being nothing but a compulsive, health feened, overly obsessive body and mind freak. that lives off her de-facto like husband's income, along with scabbing as much possible off her seventeen year old, self dependant (cash wise) daughter. hm, yeah it annoys me alot.

i think thats about it.

fail.

today everything was bad luck i swear, fml.

-yet again woke up to loud crashing plates, bright sun and crashing doors.
-go to "mission australia" basically for my mum's paycheck, jobsearching even though i have two jobs already.
-get a haircut, hairdresser fails, then i ask for a blowdry straight and its an extra $30 what a joke.
-go to get a bus home, wait 20 minutes, dont look at the bus number and get on the wrong bus.
-get home, mum blabbering on the phone she could possibly have superglued to her head without us noticing.
-have a sleep, wake up at 430 meant to be intown at five, then jeorga can't go out with me anymore.
-dye my hair red and it looks purple, for the forth time in a row.

atleast my room is clean now i guess, that always makes me that little bit happier.

out.

oh and p.s heeeeey dylan!

blerrr

i haven't felt remotely attractive for weeks, i dont want to see my reflection.

hmm so it was a pretty weekend starting thursday, freezing my tits off outside hot damn, for some stupid unknown reason bothering trying to get in, but now i give up. big fight with jorja on the way home fucking sucked, i was sitting there, shivering in newspapers peering across the city lights across hawkesbury river. i am like homing pigeon, wherever i go, i find my way home, i think that's why my parents dont worry about it so much anymore. friday was the 'undead' party in jesmond, i felt like a giant gronk, so i drunk until i believed otherwise, photo's prove otherwise. saturday working then squids, blerr, kinda sucked yeah.

i really want to move out into an appartment in town, alot.

on wednesday.

i am going to tell him.

changes

at twelve my first boyfriend, it didnt last long, my mind slips at this because it was too long ago.
at thirteen i was at shock, i could see my entire academia falling before my eyes, and to help that my father brought the worst in me, made me feel as though having a brain rich in mathematics was what i truely needed to succeed in life.
at fourteen i was completely mind boggled, clinged to this self consumed, heartless bitch. that i found after an entire childhood (that does reffer to kindergarten until present), i was nothing to her, at most a sidekick. something she felt as being lower than herself to bring herself to ease, and at more self worth.
at fifteen i was a heart-throb, completely taken by someone i had met just the night before, and what felt to be destiny. dating for exactly a year, this was probably.. no, definatly the best year of my life, almost absolutely careless. all we truely needed was each others company.
at sixteen i was a nervous wreck, until my strings snapped, i stopped eating, attempted drug overdose and got stuck in a hospital ward that was basically a fancy name for a hygenic jail, that instead of feeding you close to nothing, trying to feed you as much as possible.
now, at seventeen i don't believe in much at all, and most definatly not in love, not between a man and a woman. only for family and for friends. i cannot hold a relationship for anything much more than a month. although i am totally aware of who i am, the sort of person i have become, what i can and cannot withstand, and after all, isn't that life's biggest question? who we are?

fuck you.

honestly, why did you bother, i suppose that day must have been a drunken slur i got stuck into.
eitherway, you are hopeless and now are really annoying me.