why the panic~

lately everything has been so wierd, i've been saying/posting really bizarre things i wouldnt usually do, reading over them a few hours later or people repeating and explaining what i have just said and it making no sense, like i have completely lost my inner monologue.

i've been having alot more panic attacks than usual also, along with the feeling of being extremely awquard in situations, feeling people are staring at me and judging me or that when i go past people, those that catch my eye i look at for too long.

i thought i should probably document how i feel even though i don't feel it needs to be as public as going onto the internet, fuck it.

content,

so today i was reminded that i foolishly never filled out slash had forgotten about my tax return sheets and that i still have time to do them before the end of october, im really exited because at the moment i have an entire $2.46 in my savings and $150.00 in debit account. which will probably last me a whole next two days until pay day, maybe.

my wishlish is here (keeping in mind i have absolutely no idea how much money i am recieving)

- my new car (very necessary)
- either a husky puppy (HOLY SHIT OH MY GOD)
~ a girl kitten
~ a white owl like hedwig (all un-nessesary)
- start saving a bond for when i move out (very nessesary)
- new lee jeans because my resonably new ones have a stain from, you guessed it, eyelash glue? and the other have a rip in them from literally moshing too hard while drunk at amity, FUCK, haha (necessary)
- new extentions (yes, definatly necessary)
- new doona for my bed i have found and ripped out of a magazine (yes, necessary kavy?)

i think that's all for now, goodnight blogspot :)

ergh,

i am truely sick of relying on others,
especially those unreliable, which seems to be a given.

i just want to stop wasting half my life waiting for transport,
wasting so much time waiting for others and certain things to happen,
there's that anxiety talking.

exausted~

im trying to mesure out yesterday's pro's and cons.
i hate breaking promises i make to myself.

i wish i was older and more wise, so i wouldn't do this to myself.
bipolar attacks recently have only been happening when im by myself or i will just keep how i am feeling and nicely cover up how i truely feel.

i know you don't read blogs so im going to say how i feel here because i have nowhere else to express this feeling, this time it's not going into my art.

in a short time we have become what i believe is best friends. until what happened last night, i dont want what happened to happen anymore, i do in short term but i just am not ready for what you seem to want. you seemed to express that you understood me so so much but then after i was upset and you had cheered me up, you just commited what had just made me feel uncomfortable, again. how confusing.

im not only angry at myself anymore, im also a little angry at you.

12.12pm

today is looking good so far.
glenn should be heading into newcastle soon, im exited to see him and my baby jeorga that came home from dubbo recently, tonight should be alot of fun.

in other news, isn't it lovely finding about my bestfriend who i feel is like a brother to me along with my other fairly close friend is talking about me behind closed doors? and that another close friend keeps secrets from me too, lying right to my face.

also, mmm i am stuck on you, big blues.

intertwined~

i love coming into the studio in the morning and recieving that daily checkup from my design teacher, that look as if "i know your not seven, but what mischeif are you up too now" and then smiles at me and says politely "haaaannah raeeee, how are you miss?" and unlike every other human in this brain-dead town he actually takes the time to listen to my response.

i love that everyday tends to vary and you get that freedom, flexibility and independance that you never got in school, you arn't the same old generic school kid, only there because it's illegal not to be. i turn up at the studio at different times everyday and they don't necessarily care, as long as your work gets done, which is good for me because being late is a forever habit of mine.

im also happy today because i've realized in the last two weeks i'm fairly sure i've actually made more money than i have spent, un-usual for me. hopefully this will end up in my car funding.

i've finally got a cure for my eating habits, i've found a medication that actually lives up to its 'nasty' side-effects. it is an anti-depresant perscibed to adults and although it hurts my neck profusely, making me want to yawn every three minutes and when i wake up in the mornings my insides feel like they have stretched and turned inside out, it does it's job, loss of appetite.

dear brain,

please give me my serotonin back,
this really isn't fair.

yours truely,
body.

the comedown

sadly enough, i think 80% of the girls i assosiate/am friends with, i find extremely intimidating in their own ways.

i need confidence, i need interest.

reverse psychology.

i've never really understood it, well atleast not on the recieving end.
it always seems the one thing that fools me, makes me look like the idiot.

on a similar subject.
i seriously cannot stand when people dislike/hate me. it tears me up, i should probably learn how to deal with it, like everyone else seems too, im so weak.

mental establishment.

today i realized:

depressive state = past mindset
flat and indecisive state = present mindset
positive state = future mindset

just something to consider and remember.

so long~

You went away
Cause you said that you can't stand me
So I went away
I was sure that you can't stand me
Well I don't think we have to be like this forever
Is there more to life than love and being together?
You went away
Cause you said you couldn't love me
I went away
Cause all I do is love you
Well I don't think we have to be like this forever

feeling of belonging

your scent is blessing me with one hand and killing me with the other.

the weekends happenings keep flickering through my head like a prelume to a tv series i have already seen.



i don't regret what happened but it shouldn't have,
drunk and disorderly vision, paying attention to pointless detail.
remembering what was said but not why it was said.

today instead of laying there getting high off things that ruin my brain,
i layed there in my underpants, and your jumper, the smell creating more.

if you hate my feelings so much, i need you to stop making more for me to grip onto.

comfort.

i had nothing but a half bottle of vodka, a few half smoked ciggarettes scraped from the depths of my handbag and a cold bath to drown myself in.