hello.

sorry i haven't kept in touch with you ever listening blog of mine, i supposed i've just been a little too consumed in other things. can't exactly say to busy actually having a life but more interested in things other than what the internet has to offer.

i haven't been going out as much any more really, i think the ever occurence that i get stuck in the wrong places at the wrong times has scared me off a little too much, and that it's a mother fucking cold winter. it's rarely worth going out then finding at some point you are so cold, you dont want to move, your head and bones are so tense they feel heavy. i don't have much desire for that. looking forward to springtime.

i'm further questioning whether my last minute self commitment is worth it,
keeping my heart and body strictly under lock and key.
i'll be classified adult soon, your only young once.

too much is going through my head at the moment.

i'm sick of feeling so fucking lazy, i need inspiration. i think i'm having that late teen crisis where your meant to be near finishing your hsc, which is what i really should be doing but school got the best of me last year, i'm meant to be having that "what the hell am i going to do now", "what, who, and where am i going to be" a little belated on my part. but i think for me it's even worse, i've slacked off over half the year, i haven't finished anything academically; and now, it's finally caught up to me, and im so fucking down.

i'll say this and it's all i can say in honesty,
i'll write this before my eyes, complain to myself and whomever may be passing their sorry eyes over my self inflicted panic attack, plea. i know what i've done is wrong, but i know i won't do anything about it. i'm so friggen lazy. i could be so much more if i was that little bit more inspired, if my fatigue didn't soak into what could have been the best of me.

how can anyone help me if i can't even help myself.

i'm sick of being a phycological mess caught up in a life off regret, wasted time.

i spend three quarters of my life asleep, i don't want to be a teenager anymore, it makes me feel useless, it makes me lazy, i have next to no immune system left and without a spoonfull of pharmacuticals i don't think i could take myself out of this house.

im not dead, but who could call this a life?