sorry,

hmm so i never actually realised until this week how many people actually look down on me for the person i have become over last year until today.

i suppose im sorry, not to you, to myself.

it's too hard to keep other people happy when you are not happy with yourself.

i've been trying so, so hard to just better myself so i will not have to resort to that ever so tempting, trendy resolution of fleeing this town to somewhere where nobody knows my name and a second chance, where i am not so afraid to be myself.

after breaking it off with my boyfriend of one year i felt as though everything had just slipped into place, it hadn't.

i was linked to this interesting scene of people and made a huge group of friends and associates. i had lost all contact with my friends since being with jake, although through ties i had found two main bestfriends and a group of people i was rather proud to call my friends.

i had a boyfriend again until mid-march last year until that was cut off because of my fear of getting too attached and losing it all again, i didnt want my social life to lose value as it had in past times.

sure, i went a little wild with exitement last year, i had an entire new lifestyle and i wanted to embrace this new life with everything i had. although along with this life i found i was getting less and less interest in a more permenant status with another partner, until it came to this, nothing more than a complete joke.

and now i've found it's all turned on me,
because i chose that path it seems all males, along with females seem to think that relationship-wise (or who knows what else) i am a complete drop-kick.

how releaving knowing i am nothing but a (direct quote) 'nothing but a piece of meat in a butcher store, never going to get a boyfriend with someone from here because everyone wants a go at her'

it seems everyone just wants to attack me at a point where i need the most support.
where i am torn between a heated up divorce,
struggling with gutt-wrenching anxiety and have people that i have realised are actually not who i can call 'friends' picking at that last slowly degrading piece of self esteem i might have. i cannot feel in place at all anymore, in a big group of people that used to care, i stand there and feel completly, utterly alone.

to readers, i infact did not write this post to get replies of your pathetic attmepts of sympathy, perhaps maybe just a little bit of relief knowing you've gone out of your way and all together you have made me resort to feeling this way about myself and of you.

i am losing everything, sometimes i feel as though, through all hopes lost, a dependancy on artifical happiness, nothing's actually worth it at all and my longing visions are going to become much more validated.